09-10-2015, 11:13 PM
Hey there round one-
Let's have a look...
A nimble breeze o’er rugged seas"nimble"?? to describe a "breeze"??? hmmm
blows fore and back from wave to shore
and finds her way to lick his nose
with whiff of sanctuaries far"with whiff" is musical enough but... I must say that a appreciate the slant rhymes (I'm a BIG fan)
A tiny flame grows ‘neath his chestapt description
its embers stoked with every breathOK
His belly aches with fire alight"alight" breaks the sonics
while siren songs foretell his deathnow a solid rhyme. But this only makes "alight" stick out as more of a mistake
Reflected light forms beacon brightso, OK, you try for the rhyme back to "alight", but possibly too late...
a ghostly guide through ocean haze
The weary drifter soldiers onnow that you set-up the "bright/alight" you need another "-ight"
He paddles long but only staysMy attention to the rhyming is throwing off my attention to the content//
With splintered oar and torpid row
through murky blend of day and eve"blend"???
the traveler consents to fate
and musters up a final heavedoes not seem to me that our traveler "consents" as "musters" indicates that he's fighting on
Overall, I can see what you're going for, but the vagueness of the story has little impact on me. I want the poem to either drown me outright or cough me up on some forgotten shore...
... Mark
Let's have a look...
A nimble breeze o’er rugged seas"nimble"?? to describe a "breeze"??? hmmm
blows fore and back from wave to shore
and finds her way to lick his nose
with whiff of sanctuaries far"with whiff" is musical enough but... I must say that a appreciate the slant rhymes (I'm a BIG fan)
A tiny flame grows ‘neath his chestapt description
its embers stoked with every breathOK
His belly aches with fire alight"alight" breaks the sonics
while siren songs foretell his deathnow a solid rhyme. But this only makes "alight" stick out as more of a mistake
Reflected light forms beacon brightso, OK, you try for the rhyme back to "alight", but possibly too late...
a ghostly guide through ocean haze
The weary drifter soldiers onnow that you set-up the "bright/alight" you need another "-ight"
He paddles long but only staysMy attention to the rhyming is throwing off my attention to the content//
With splintered oar and torpid row
through murky blend of day and eve"blend"???
the traveler consents to fate
and musters up a final heavedoes not seem to me that our traveler "consents" as "musters" indicates that he's fighting on
Overall, I can see what you're going for, but the vagueness of the story has little impact on me. I want the poem to either drown me outright or cough me up on some forgotten shore...
... Mark