Mares' Tails - Rev. #1

[billy]

good edit john;

Strewth, this 'aint easy. I've tried to incorporate suggestions, reduce any misinterpretation, yet still make it mine and have it say what I want it to say. I've also aimed for a little simpler language.

All input appreciated.

Mares' Tails - Rev 1

White chiffon wisps canter
across azure skyfields, cold i like the enjambment here and the heralds in the next line which reads as 'messengers' to me, though i do know what is meant.
heralds in a rarefied realm.
Seductive hooks on Andalusian tails;
fingers beckoning to ride
imaginary horses this line feels to obvious, is it needed?
along impalpable aerial ridges.
Velvet noses that cannot be nuzzled,
no warm scent to savour, nice sounding S's
thundering hooves conspicuous
by their silence.
The weather front
drawn by graceful flicks
of silken ice. ice seems to a bit out of line with horses. could a horse's body part be used or something more horse related. silken flanks etc.

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First attempt at free verse.

Mares' Tails - Original

White chiffon wisps cantering
across azure skyfields, diaphanous
heralds in a rarefied realm.
Seductive hooks on Andalusian tails -
fingers beckoning to mount
and ride ethereal beasts
along impalpable aerial ridges.
Velvet noses that cannot be nuzzled,
no warm scent to savour,
thundering hooves conspicuous
by their silence.
The weather front drawn
by graceful flicks of silken ice.