Thanks all, I appreciate all the comments on this short piece.
Tom: I get what you're saying about the opening and possibly moving something else in there. This had another title originally (ten minutes before I posted) that might have worked better with the line. The opening probably does need some work to be more evocative.
Billy: You made a similar point that Mark made in your closing words. Its possible what this needs is a longer more frantic build up. Meaning the words slip in and out of focus (good call by Mark) and then keep escalating into a war with the speaker...ending with something like what I have I think. Appreciate the read and the comments.
Mark: Some good suggestions. I could swear I saw something different from you when I was looking on my phone (I just refuse to type in the forum on that thing). Some good suggestions. I like how you joined the two metaphors. I think you're right like I said above to Billy that it needs more build up for the ending to work. Appreciate it.
Best,
Todd
Tom: I get what you're saying about the opening and possibly moving something else in there. This had another title originally (ten minutes before I posted) that might have worked better with the line. The opening probably does need some work to be more evocative.
Billy: You made a similar point that Mark made in your closing words. Its possible what this needs is a longer more frantic build up. Meaning the words slip in and out of focus (good call by Mark) and then keep escalating into a war with the speaker...ending with something like what I have I think. Appreciate the read and the comments.
Mark: Some good suggestions. I could swear I saw something different from you when I was looking on my phone (I just refuse to type in the forum on that thing). Some good suggestions. I like how you joined the two metaphors. I think you're right like I said above to Billy that it needs more build up for the ending to work. Appreciate it.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson