08-21-2015, 12:51 PM
Hi ThePen - this is my first post I have ever done and I struggle with feeling that my criticisms are worthy just yet but here goes. What drew me to your poem was the fact that your title was a time. I am looking for advice on a poem that also has a lonely hour, time stamped title and so I felt connected to this one.
What I like is how easy it is to visualize the subject going through the motions in this story. The actions are very relatable for anyone who has dealt with insomnia including the ongoing debate in their mind of turning to a sleeping pill. I also really enjoyed the line "only the noises of machines remain here" as I thought it really allowed the reader to get a feel for just how lonely a state of insomnia can be, like you are the only living thing that is awake at that moment (a bit dramatic, yes - but true!)
What I would consider tweaking is the rhyming. I strongly agree with John's post that by lessening this you will more accurately hit the mindset of someone dealing with insomnia in the moment - their thoughts are fragmented and restless. While reading I also felt at times that the focus was more on making sure it rhymed at the end of the line then clearly communicating the emotion. Maybe by taking John's advice here you would feel more free to dive deeper into these feelings?
Overall nice job and I look forward to reading more!
What I like is how easy it is to visualize the subject going through the motions in this story. The actions are very relatable for anyone who has dealt with insomnia including the ongoing debate in their mind of turning to a sleeping pill. I also really enjoyed the line "only the noises of machines remain here" as I thought it really allowed the reader to get a feel for just how lonely a state of insomnia can be, like you are the only living thing that is awake at that moment (a bit dramatic, yes - but true!)
What I would consider tweaking is the rhyming. I strongly agree with John's post that by lessening this you will more accurately hit the mindset of someone dealing with insomnia in the moment - their thoughts are fragmented and restless. While reading I also felt at times that the focus was more on making sure it rhymed at the end of the line then clearly communicating the emotion. Maybe by taking John's advice here you would feel more free to dive deeper into these feelings?
Overall nice job and I look forward to reading more!