First post.

[Misanthrope]

Hello Mis-

You need to check your meter, and the best way is to read this aloud.  You should be able to add/subtract words fairly easily.  I've done a couple lines for you...

The ending sounds like "a nod" to God, and as such works OK, for me. BUT this is where you need to know/understand your audience.  In a more serious forum, the ending would probably be construed as too sentimental.  Knowing your audience can make a huge difference for poem like this.

Near rhymes like "naught/forgot" are always welcome in my eyes.  Since you've already got one, look for others... Avoid forcing rhymes at all costs.


Drifting off in the world of imagination
 Into the land of limitlessness of creation
 Trees made of chocolate and rivers of gold
 Such a rush to see to see my planet unfold

you take it from here
 Moving mountains to adorn the sunrise
 To make this day perfect in my eyes
 Alas, my efforts are all for naught 
 It appears there is something I forgot
 My attempt at a perfect world could never come true
 Because there is nothing I could make as perfect as you

[/quote]

Thank you for you comments!   I made a quick revision in the first post of this thread, let me know what you think about the changes!