Uncomfortable

[John]

A nail in the stool lends
a slant to my spine;
the bar splinters pinpricks
of wood in my mind.

A girl asks my name and
I give her the time,
the bar splinters pinpricks
of wood in my mind.

Hi. I read the first line and choked on my pint. A nail up the jacksy would have that effect.    To avoid the schoolboy humour, how about making it a barstool, and starting the second line with lends? It would also impart some natural rhythm.

A nail in the barstool
lends a slant to my spine;

As it's such a short poem, I wonder how it would have worked with a third verse - the repeating lines? Wouldn't work for me. You could cut it down to six lines by removing one of pair of duplicates, and at the same time it will tighten the piece.

Overall, it's easy to be on that (bar)stool. It's an imaginative little piece.

Thanks for the opportunity to read it.