08-19-2015, 04:00 PM
I agree with much of the above criticisms. I am a sucker for meter and rhyme scheme, so that didn't bother me as much. My problem with it was that it was inconsistent. Inconsistency could possibly be a direction to take it to emphasize the quasi-delusional state of mind that you seem to go for, but it would have to be more intentional and probably more direct(if that makes sense). I am an insomniac myself, although my demons are that of fear but of analysis. I think too much... So perhaps the structure and rhyme could be solidified instead if that is your aim. Below are what would be my revisions. As I said, I like structure and I will tend to always lean towards that over more 'free' poetry so I kept the syllables to 10 per line(gotta love Shakespeare). That being said, I tried to alter as little as possible.
My thoughts are racing, my heart is pacing, First stanza is merely to keep the same length of line, taking out unnecessary articles, etc.
Still wonder what my life is becoming;
Outside there is the malevolent darkness,
Inside, is the fragile mind under great stress.
The silence is clear, as sounds disappear,
Only the noises of machines remain here.
Minutes pass by and still there is no sleep.
So I'm left thinking about the watch to keep. You rarely need the word so in this context
I turn on the lights, to chase away the fright, Or continuing to refer to yourself
My mind stares at the glowing* lamp, thoughts take flight. (insert 2 syllable adj)*
Dreaming of stars streaking in the heavens,
As a night bread warms up in the hot oven. ...I don't even know....
Suddenly, I'm overcome with great solitude, I change to 11 syllables here 1) your lines get longer 2) solitude and one extra syllable??
So turn on the TV, chase away hebetude; That 'so' thing again
Images dancing around, sounds without shape,
A mind is entertained, as it slides in the drapes. I think we all know it's your mind.... unless... scitzo... no, no no, It's your mind.
But boredom soon captures my imagination, captures is a more concise way of saying 'takes a hold of'
As the heart experiences feelings without emotion. This line confuses me - a slight oxymoron I think. Emotions are feelings I think... I would change this entirely, find a clear way to say what you meant
What do I do in the case of recurring insomnia? I switch to 13 here because of the stigmas of 13, and again your lines get longer
I want no pills but I soon sink into paranoia.
Is anyone watching, are the neighbors listening? I also emphasize 'I' because is it not your thoughts that are the nightmares?
I fear for the drugs, I think they are mind-tampering.
So I make an effort, as I close my weary eyes,
It is 3 am and the nightmares might still come by.
Overall, I like this and with some editing it could be great!!! Looking forward to more!! Time stamp.
My thoughts are racing, my heart is pacing, First stanza is merely to keep the same length of line, taking out unnecessary articles, etc.
Still wonder what my life is becoming;
Outside there is the malevolent darkness,
Inside, is the fragile mind under great stress.
The silence is clear, as sounds disappear,
Only the noises of machines remain here.
Minutes pass by and still there is no sleep.
So I'm left thinking about the watch to keep. You rarely need the word so in this context
I turn on the lights, to chase away the fright, Or continuing to refer to yourself
My mind stares at the glowing* lamp, thoughts take flight. (insert 2 syllable adj)*
Dreaming of stars streaking in the heavens,
As a night bread warms up in the hot oven. ...I don't even know....
Suddenly, I'm overcome with great solitude, I change to 11 syllables here 1) your lines get longer 2) solitude and one extra syllable??
So turn on the TV, chase away hebetude; That 'so' thing again
Images dancing around, sounds without shape,
A mind is entertained, as it slides in the drapes. I think we all know it's your mind.... unless... scitzo... no, no no, It's your mind.
But boredom soon captures my imagination, captures is a more concise way of saying 'takes a hold of'
As the heart experiences feelings without emotion. This line confuses me - a slight oxymoron I think. Emotions are feelings I think... I would change this entirely, find a clear way to say what you meant
What do I do in the case of recurring insomnia? I switch to 13 here because of the stigmas of 13, and again your lines get longer
I want no pills but I soon sink into paranoia.
Is anyone watching, are the neighbors listening? I also emphasize 'I' because is it not your thoughts that are the nightmares?
I fear for the drugs, I think they are mind-tampering.
So I make an effort, as I close my weary eyes,
It is 3 am and the nightmares might still come by.
Overall, I like this and with some editing it could be great!!! Looking forward to more!! Time stamp.