08-19-2015, 10:20 AM
Haha~ it's great that I came from a post explaining how perfect rhythm works and then I come to read a poem that's done it well... ahem... perfectly. A fan of Shakespeare I see! It seems like a play on 'All the World's a Stage' and you put in Hamlet in there probably because of the pained growth that Hamlet goes through. I like what you're trying to say with the poem!
I see that some people have told you that you've messed up the last line but if you did it to draw attention to the line that's pretty good. But it is a little too wrenching. Maybe you could try using softer sounds than t and j since that's probably what's making way too much emphasis come onto the break. Also, if I were to make a suggestion it would be to make the poem sound a lot more 'spiky'. You're using a lot of vowel sounds which isn't conveying the pain(?) of life or any confusion? What you're talking about is large and looming and it should wrench and rattle the reader at times, but it all just feels very smooth.
I see that some people have told you that you've messed up the last line but if you did it to draw attention to the line that's pretty good. But it is a little too wrenching. Maybe you could try using softer sounds than t and j since that's probably what's making way too much emphasis come onto the break. Also, if I were to make a suggestion it would be to make the poem sound a lot more 'spiky'. You're using a lot of vowel sounds which isn't conveying the pain(?) of life or any confusion? What you're talking about is large and looming and it should wrench and rattle the reader at times, but it all just feels very smooth.