The Pike

[billy]

hi john, read the sonnet  you did and enjoyed it.
this version as it stands doesn't work as well. maybe because the format here call for more depth. apart from the word pike i could think of a few fish that match the poem. [ex fisherman here ] zander comes to mind as do a couple of other predatory fish. okay, the green and yellow cam is pike like. while i do like the poem it feels weak, to weak for a vicious pike.  some comments below, some left out because it's in novice

My favourite fish, and I wrote this donkey's years ago. I was heavily criticised elsewhere for writing about a fish and not having it sound like Blake's The Tyger. There you go. Puts you right off.

I've made some minor alterations from the original (line capitals, inversions,) but I'd like to present it essentially as it was for more meaningful feedback here. Then I'll try again.

Cheers


THE PIKE

Slow and deep, the river runs
across your reedy lair.
Yet who can really know the might
and hidden strength you share? could the last two lines be made into a statement rather than a question. there's a lot of fishermen who have caught pike, if it was a fighter most will have a rough idea

Bloody pike! the ignorant call. one syl to many, a suggestion would be purist or something with two syls
Killer! Devil fish! too easy a description that covers most predatory fish.
Eating all that comes your way,
your death is what they wish.

Broad flat head with sloping teeth,
and powerful fins set back.
Black eyes watch for prey above,
the signal for attack. i struggled a little here. a suggestion would be

Black eyes watch; the prey above,
a signal for attack.



Jaws held open, Nature's way:
with vents beneath your chin
to lift you high towards your prey - already used prey once
that awful, crushing grin. excellent image

Green and yellow camouflage;
a piece of waving weed.
Too late for fish and rats and ducks
dragged down for your next feed.

Bloody pike! they call once more.
Killer! Devil fish!
Eating all that comes your way,
your death is what we wish.

Splendid fish, a ruthless fish
afraid of none but man.
You can't help the way you are
in life's survival plan.