The Pike

[ellajam]

Hi, John , a fun read, I think you have plenty to work with here. First, I think you need a better title, something with a hook.

You've essentially got an AABB rhyme scheme going:


Slow and deep, the river runs across your reedy lair.
Yet who can really know the might and hidden strength you share?

I don't think the shortened lines aid the poem, and you might consider adding to the piece to make it ABAB, that can sometimes add a little weight.

A few notes below.

My favourite fish, and I wrote this donkey's years ago. I was heavily criticised elsewhere for writing about a fish and not having it sound like Blake's The Tyger. There you go. Puts you right off.

I've made some minor alterations from the original (line capitals, inversions,) but I'd like to present it essentially as it was for more meaningful feedback here. Then I'll try again.

Cheers


THE PIKE

Slow and deep, the river runs
across your reedy lair.
Yet who can really know the might
and hidden strength you share? Share with who? cheap rhyme.

Bloody pike! the ignorant call.
Killer! Devil fish!
Eating all that comes your way,
your death is what they wish.

Broad flat head with sloping teeth,
and powerful fins set back.
Black eyes watch for prey above,
the signal for attack. Fine description but reads to me like the eyes are the signal.

Jaws held open, Nature's way: Nature's way seems like filler.
with vents beneath your chin
to lift you high towards your prey -
that awful, crushing grin. Love this line.

Green and yellow camouflage;
a piece of waving weed.
Too late for fish and rats and ducks
dragged down for your next feed. effective and well done, my fave, maybe a comma after weed. maybe a colon after camouflage (but I suck at punctuation, if someone else has advice take it.

Bloody pike! they call once more.
Killer! Devil fish!
Eating all that comes your way,
your death is what we wish. I'm on the fence on the need for a refrain, not sure.

Splendid fish, a ruthless fish
afraid of none but man.
You can't help the way you are
in life's survival plan. Love the first two lines here, the end is a little bland.

I enjoyed the read, looking forward to seeing what you do with it.