3 am

[fluorescent.43]

My thoughts are racing, my heart pacing [.]
Wondering still, what my life is becoming;
Outside, there is the malevolent darkness,
Inside, is the fragile mind under great stress. weird sentence structure.
The silence is clear, as sounds disappear,
Only the noises of machines remain here. the line breaks are boring. too many semicolons and commas.

Minutes pass by, and still there is no sleep.
So I am thinking about the watch to keep.
I turn on the lights, to chase away the fright,
My mind stares at the lamp, thoughts take flight.
Dreaming of stars streaking in the heavens,
As a night bread warms up in the hot oven. the capitalization of each line undermines your attempt to introduce fluidity of thought. also, night bread? is there such a thing? or is it just bread?

Suddenly, I am overcome with great solitude, comma splice.
So turn on the television, chase away hebetude;
Images dancing around, sounds without shape,
A mind is entertained, as it slides in the drapes.
But boredom soon takes ahold of my imagination,
As the heart experiences feelings without emotion. man, these line breaks are really boring. change it up a bit. introduce something interesting. the human attention span does not last for long.

What to do, in the case of recurring insomnia? that is the question indeed. (sorry, i find i am too sarcastic for my own good )
I want no pills, but I soon sink into paranoia. conflict here is cliché.
Is anyone watching, are neighbors listening?
I fear for the drugs, they are mind-tampering. comma splice mid-line.
So I make an effort, as I close my weary eyes, and another.
It is 3 am and the nightmares might still come by.

this type of poem has been written many times... the insomniac-nightmare trope is well-worn but as i read this poem, you could make it work. i just feel that the style you use in writing this is conflicted with your subject matter- very organized, neatly rhymed, etc. since the subject has to do more with disorderliness and confusing and the sort that comes with not being able to sleep, i would suggest a sparer style. the rhyming is optional, but pretty well done here i think. that's just a personal opinion.

the concepts introduced are worth a read, but the way you write them is utterly uninteresting. nothing stands out- every line is uniform and the same. the one thing that stood out for me, as a reader, was night bread.   and not because it was a good line. mainly the suggestions i made above are personal nitpicks, so feel free to ignore me! good luck if you intend to edit. (sorry i went overboard in novice! )

43.

p.s.-- mainly, all this needs is some rearranging of sentence structure, paring down of wordiness, and a grammatical check up.