08-12-2015, 03:33 AM
I lahk it uh lawt. One thing I don't really care for is the last line. You paint a very nice image but the line "Everything has changed" just kinda feels cliche and pointless. I'm thinking it may be something with the field of wheat since "Ghosts" kinda tells me something died and there is a recollection in the second line of the field being worked. But it feels like a stretch. There isn't really enough to guide me to a conclusion that anything has really changed.
My advice for it is remember the reader is probably not stupid. Not my words my English teacher used to tell us that when we worked on metaphors in high school lol. But basically if you have to claim "everything has changed" then you haven't properly shown that everything has changed. I honestly think instead of saying that directly, just adding one more line reiterating how the field was once full of wheat and is now barren would push that "change" feeling without outright breaking the fourth wall.
Otherwise excellent. There isn't a whole lot for me to give to this poem. Maybe not up my alley for shock and awe but God damn is it a solid piece of work for sure.
My advice for it is remember the reader is probably not stupid. Not my words my English teacher used to tell us that when we worked on metaphors in high school lol. But basically if you have to claim "everything has changed" then you haven't properly shown that everything has changed. I honestly think instead of saying that directly, just adding one more line reiterating how the field was once full of wheat and is now barren would push that "change" feeling without outright breaking the fourth wall.
Otherwise excellent. There isn't a whole lot for me to give to this poem. Maybe not up my alley for shock and awe but God damn is it a solid piece of work for sure.