Squint

[tectak]

SQUINT
Let a smile slide in the lines of
your look and a cig protrude in
upright droop, you got the
smile and the smoke in your lungs for
smoldering casually
i relate
And your eyes, they squint for sun
and pretty women walking while
your toke blacking brown
burns like wild
honey, smile for the camera
ain’t your type of phrase
and that relates
You and i, we have a small
feeling in our eyes
and droopin’ out our mouths, the kind
that comes by time spent with too many
pretty women;
you don’t know her,
but you know the feeling
-----------------
Wrote this last night, let me know what you think

Good egg, but I gave you compliments not complements unless you want crisps with your pint of lager. The small "i" will always be an affectation because it is pointlessly rebellious. The whole justification for my eulogistical comments is that you captured a vernacular and an image that works so well it does not need the pointless foibles of the writer unless, when reading it, you intend saying in a squeaky [i]sotto voce[i] ....i. And that is the point. When you read ANY piece outloud you fail to transmit any spelling mistakes or strange nuances like capitalising every line because you KNOW how to read your work...unfortunately, or fortunately, you submit your work for critique of the WRITTEN word and that is what I must do.
Best and well done,
tectak
I'll tell you what I think about this...I think it is excellent. Apart from the droop drooping the laconic, laid back style permits for all the idiosyncrasies of punctuation, line breaks and capitalisation which I normally rant about...why? Because the poem IS the style and vice-versa. This "easy rider" pace works. Very well done. It reminds me of the Pearl Fishermen.
PS. I would not object to capitalising "i" just to prove that you can.
Best,
tectak

Wow tectak, that means A LOT, especially coming from a mod who's got a lot more experience under their belt than I have, I really appreciate all the complements! Also it's interesting you said Easy Rider haha- the first real poem I wrote was inspired by Easy Rider (I was planning on posting it sometime down the line). Found it funny you said that haha. I'll consider changing the i's but to me they feel more personal as small and uncapitalized... I'll have to think on it
Again, thanks for the huge complements!
Cousin Kil