08-09-2015, 06:39 AM
Hey Turtle,
good stuff here, a little bland and dry in places but with some reworking it could be a really really cool poem
a couple suggestions for lines
personally (I think someone else suggested something to this effect too) I would omit the line about the forest.. the lines within that stanza to me point to some kind of outdoors experience with a loved one but I don't know... it just felt a little out of place for me
only an opinion though
additionally I have a suggestion for the last lines which you seemed to be playing with in your edits
how does this sound
"when life comes to
leave, these are
the riches which
breathe"
or something to that effect
food for thought, thanks for sharing
Cousin Kil
good stuff here, a little bland and dry in places but with some reworking it could be a really really cool poem
a couple suggestions for lines
personally (I think someone else suggested something to this effect too) I would omit the line about the forest.. the lines within that stanza to me point to some kind of outdoors experience with a loved one but I don't know... it just felt a little out of place for me
only an opinion though
additionally I have a suggestion for the last lines which you seemed to be playing with in your edits
how does this sound
"when life comes to
leave, these are
the riches which
breathe"
or something to that effect
food for thought, thanks for sharing
Cousin Kil