08-09-2015, 02:20 AM
If you want a poem torn up I'd suggest the "Serious Workshopping" forum. I took one look at that place and it was pretty freaking intense lol. Anyways, the poem:
I sit atop a tall lonely mountain.
Cloudy mist, my only companion. ---I like this. I like this a lot
I look down on the people who live below. ---Down at people below feels redundant
I see every life end and begin. ---You dropped the rhyme, which is okay, but I don't feel anything happened to justify that. I'd also say there has to be a better way of saying you watch over people throughout their lives. I am intrigued at this point. What are you? Are you benevolent or malevolent? You have my attention for sure.
I, too, was once a man. ---Questions starting to get answered. Very nice.
Who once was lost along a winding trail.
I found peace in protecting and observing.
Despite Winters bite and storming hail. ---Rhyme went from AABC to ABCB. Again I feel that uniform rhyming would not be bad in this poem. Fantastic word choice and delivery though it's a wonderful stanza.
I found that I could stop disaster.
Send help to those whom needed.
Alone I must stay on top this tall mountain. ---Lots of words and syllables. This line took much longer than the others
But, my own woes, I always conceded. ---I don't know if conceded truly fits here. I get it, but it doesn't really match the grammar. Maybe "to my own woes" or something.
My attention ever on those, whom I try to help. ---maybe a different word for ever. Ever in that since is a sort of cliche
I didn’t notice myself turning slowly to stone.
The elements would try to beat me.
But, I would stay, forever and alone. ---Interesting use here. Alone is a hard word to not sound pretentious and you did it. Kudos.
My will is strong, my heart is true.
I try to give my luck to all those below.
Though, it costs me in ways indescribable.
I make it up in more ways than one could know. ---Rocking ABAB strong now I like the consistency
I am the Gentle Giant, who sits on the mountain.
I am the Gentleman Beast, who watches over all that I can.
I am the lonely Figure of Stone.
Whom all have forgotten was once a Man ---Strong ending that was very good.
All in all excellent. I juts feel that the beginning could be much stronger. The rest of the poem is
I sit atop a tall lonely mountain.
Cloudy mist, my only companion. ---I like this. I like this a lot
I look down on the people who live below. ---Down at people below feels redundant
I see every life end and begin. ---You dropped the rhyme, which is okay, but I don't feel anything happened to justify that. I'd also say there has to be a better way of saying you watch over people throughout their lives. I am intrigued at this point. What are you? Are you benevolent or malevolent? You have my attention for sure.
I, too, was once a man. ---Questions starting to get answered. Very nice.
Who once was lost along a winding trail.
I found peace in protecting and observing.
Despite Winters bite and storming hail. ---Rhyme went from AABC to ABCB. Again I feel that uniform rhyming would not be bad in this poem. Fantastic word choice and delivery though it's a wonderful stanza.
I found that I could stop disaster.
Send help to those whom needed.
Alone I must stay on top this tall mountain. ---Lots of words and syllables. This line took much longer than the others
But, my own woes, I always conceded. ---I don't know if conceded truly fits here. I get it, but it doesn't really match the grammar. Maybe "to my own woes" or something.
My attention ever on those, whom I try to help. ---maybe a different word for ever. Ever in that since is a sort of cliche
I didn’t notice myself turning slowly to stone.
The elements would try to beat me.
But, I would stay, forever and alone. ---Interesting use here. Alone is a hard word to not sound pretentious and you did it. Kudos.
My will is strong, my heart is true.
I try to give my luck to all those below.
Though, it costs me in ways indescribable.
I make it up in more ways than one could know. ---Rocking ABAB strong now I like the consistency
I am the Gentle Giant, who sits on the mountain.
I am the Gentleman Beast, who watches over all that I can.
I am the lonely Figure of Stone.
Whom all have forgotten was once a Man ---Strong ending that was very good.
All in all excellent. I juts feel that the beginning could be much stronger. The rest of the poem is