Love is like a flower
#11
(08-06-2015, 01:46 PM)joesammsington Wrote:  Drought has swept through all the land -- All the land does not need "all," it only serves the meter. 
We wistfully reminisce of the rains of last year; -the meter may be off here. Also, too many ofs in this line.
The budding romance it had so furnished -- In this context the word romance makes me think of the genre. However, that is not really a problem to me. Yet, in my opinion, you have to justify a phrase like "budding romance" with your content. Also the syntax seems a little iffy in this line.
And together shed a sorrowful tear

Passion once held us together
And together we stayed
And though, love, we said it’d never,-- I guess "love" is being used as a noun here to refer to a person. I sort of like the swerving commas and misdirection here. However, that could very well be just me. 
Passion mercilessly strayed 

So just as summer follows autumn -- Normally winter follows autumn, and then you've got the death and whatnot. 
All things must come to an end
I hope that though you are no longer my lover
You will stay and remain my friend -- This seems cheesy, but it doesn't seem like a bad message or complete bullshit.

So there is no need to weep
Nor is there to cry
Love is like a beautiful flower
Even the most beautiful kinds die

I re-wrote this because I originally intended my original poem to be about a poem at the twilight of their relationship, breaking up mutually, but I changed the theme and it got a negative response. So, hopefully, this re-write gets a better one. Thanks!
This is not so bad in my opinion. I guess I would suggest that you make this poem more original. Maybe the themes presented here are too general. Thanks for posting it was fun. 
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Messages In This Thread
Love is like a flower - by joesammsington - 08-06-2015, 11:06 AM
RE: Love is like a flower - by NobodyNothing - 08-06-2015, 11:53 AM
RE: Love is like a flower - by joesammsington - 08-06-2015, 12:12 PM
RE: Love is like a flower - by newsclippings - 08-06-2015, 12:15 PM
RE: Love is like a flower - by newsclippings - 08-06-2015, 11:54 AM
RE: Love is like a flower - by joesammsington - 08-06-2015, 12:35 PM
RE: Love is like a flower - by NobodyNothing - 08-06-2015, 12:04 PM
RE: Love is like a flower - by NobodyNothing - 08-06-2015, 12:15 PM
RE: Love is like a flower - by NobodyNothing - 08-06-2015, 12:27 PM
RE: Love is like a flower - by billy - 08-06-2015, 05:28 PM
RE: Love is like a flower - by joesammsington - 08-06-2015, 06:57 PM
RE: Love is like a flower - by sunilmathur - 08-08-2015, 11:35 AM
RE: Love is like a flower - by Jezie - 08-09-2015, 10:54 AM
RE: Love is like a flower (Rev. #2) - by Brownlie - 08-06-2015, 03:02 PM
RE: Love is like a flower (Rev. #2) - by tectak - 08-06-2015, 04:43 PM
RE: Love is like a flower (Rev. #2) - by tectak - 08-06-2015, 06:24 PM
RE: Love is like a flower - by tectak - 08-06-2015, 07:16 PM



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