08-06-2015, 02:29 PM
Hi Alexearth,
First of all, I love some of you lines. "Raval pleads for another day." has more meaning than it first appears. And the final stanza imagery with sputtering veins is vivid. Great job.
One quick thought:
The first stanza can be lifted. It could definitely be sharper as you are trying to convey (it seems) a specifically eerie night time. Maybe because I was in that area recently, but I feel like adding personal involvement in the description to the beginning could be useful, or at least worth a try. I would love to read how you fit into this context.
First of all, I love some of you lines. "Raval pleads for another day." has more meaning than it first appears. And the final stanza imagery with sputtering veins is vivid. Great job.
One quick thought:
The first stanza can be lifted. It could definitely be sharper as you are trying to convey (it seems) a specifically eerie night time. Maybe because I was in that area recently, but I feel like adding personal involvement in the description to the beginning could be useful, or at least worth a try. I would love to read how you fit into this context.