Purgatory

[jytreberg]

I think this needs more! I would love to see the journey of the person in this poem. Describe what they are seeing as they cross the river. I would also consider changing the title. By using the title 'Purgatory' people are immediately brought in with certain preconceived notions based on their own faith and past. I would almost keep this as a more mysterious beginning. If I didn't know the title and read the first two lines, I don't think I would immediately make the connection with hell. I don't know off hand what you would title it (been racking my mind as I write this) but stay away from Purgatory as the title to create a little more mystery.

Also, in terms of the explanation following the poem, my feeling is that if you have to explain it after readers finish the poem, then the poem is not strong enough to stand on its own. The poem should be able to speak for itself and not need an explanation.

Hope these comments help and good luck!

I step onto a ferry, looking towards a horizon of white
and the brilliant radiance sets the night alight
But suddenly, a list of names is read out Don't throw this opportunity away so quickly, there is a ton of potential here where you can add detail. Like flourescent.43 said, there is a lot of cliche potential here and in order to avoid this, give more specific detail.
My name is called, and I am thrashed about
Hit on the head, and thrown overboard
By none other than Christ, Our Lord.
-So to make a long story short, I am trying to describe the catholic view of the journey from earth to heaven. Those with undaunted souls take the ferry across, those with unconfessed venial sins are instead thrown overboard by Christ and forced to swim across the sea of purgatory to heaven. I don't know. It sounded like a good idea for a poem. I'm not quite done, and was just looking for some feedback. Thanks!