Unconditional Lust

[fluorescent.43]

So, this is my first draft of my first poem i've wrote. Trouble is it doesn't exactly have flow to it. But i struggle to add flow such as rhymes without it sounding happy which is the opposite of what i'm trying to achieve. Any feedback is more than welcome and thanks so much if you read it all!

His curiosity for the door,
But never knocks. what? do you mean 'He has curiosity'?-- even then, it's not a good opening line.
He's scared. Scared of abandonment, no comma needed.
Or the rude breach of reality
That comes crashing & barraging down. what what what? the sentence is structure is way wacky here. punctuation is confusing too. 'abandonment' and 'rude breach of reality' are not compatible together.
Like an uninvited snake waiting,
Waiting for him to pop the question 'pop the question' borders on cliché.

He is prepared for anything, you used a contraction in the first stanza. use it here.
With depleted, punctured life jackets. how can a life jacket be depleted?--like 'punctured', though.
He's heartbreak bound, courtesy of fatal attraction,
Still he tampers with the rivets of her heart.
The attempt to steal a glance of inside,
Like a romantic heist. Or wishful lust. i see this is a love poem. and the cliché begins...

As time goes by his confidence becomes frantic.
They laugh. His eyes adjust, ears tune in search for her... last phrase makes no sense, nor is it poetic.
She laughs. He laughs.
Of course he laughs. everybody laughs!!!! may i ask why everyone is laughing?
Don't you know, no comma needed.
That man is slave to what he cannot have? enter the generic proverb. mix it up, please.

They beg him. I beg him to free his shackles, since you capitalize every line, using these short staccato sentences breaks up the flow even more. and who's 'they'?--i thought this was written from the man's point of view, but it appears to be the woman here.
Yet he has grown dependent on her voice, and... back to the man.
He loves the way she smiles and is addicted, no comma needed.
To the way she bleeds his heart. how do you bleed a heart? cut it out and squeeze it until it's a shriveled lump of muscle?
With his back on the meat hook he fantasizes,
And invents a reciprocation of his affection. reading the last two lines makes me think of kinky sex. how did we get from 'shy man unable to knock on door' to... this?

He fears at the end of the lustful pursuit, i'm tired of these cliché words. was this relationship just about the sex? if so, you don't need so many euphemistic words to describe it.
The credits will read an ongoing,
Unshakable,
Unfailing,
Unconditional Lust. The Capitals At The Beginning Of Every Line (especially when it's just word) Are Giving Me Headaches. also, this makes no sense. how do credits read lust?

i realize this is the novice section. i also realize i totally bashed this.   sorry!--as a fellow poet, i'd rather be bashed in a critique than politely stepped on.

this poem has potential. it starts off okay, and steadily gets worse until we arrive at a mess of gobbledygook. my main problems with this is the lack of a clear message (what do you want this to say?-- judging from the title and poem, my best guess is a hot sex life [really? is that really what you want to say?]) and inconsistent punctuation and grammar. i'm a firm believer in the art of grammar-- you can bend the rules for poetry, but the sentence structure should be clear and smooth. that might be why you're having troubles with "flow".

a lot of poets seem to think capitals are great. i don't use capitals at all (and i don't suggest copying me), but i think your poem could do with a little less capitalization, especially at the end, when the lines read like a title, not something that flows together.

good luck if you intend to work on this! hopefully i gave you some food for thought.

43.