08-04-2015, 09:09 AM
Firstly, the punctuation. I will fix it now, i actually lost the text file of it so i re-typed it from an image file and missed it out.
Secondly the meaning behind the choices of words are not random. "With depleted, punctured life jackets - what? Big Grin sorry, but, what?" to be honest i'm struggling to understand how one can not understand this line. It means that his so called "preparation" for might come has already been used. It's depleted. He's gone through it before.
"He's heartbreak bound, courtesy of fatal attraction - one can't seriously use the phrase 'fatal attraction' in a poem - it just can't be done. and 'courtesy of...' sounds like a phrase better used in an advert or something."
May i ask why one cannot use that phrase? That's pretty blunt, and to be honest, hard feedback to say it cannot be done. The "courtesy of" was an attempt of sarcasm/irony.
I'm also confused with some of your seemingly contradicting feedback. You stated that you were confused with the too many pronouns but then also said that some of the lines were ruined by the declarative statement.
The opening two lines are about approaching the subject of lust but never actually confronting them about it. The "breach of reality"... have you never intentionally eluded finding out the truth because ignorance is sometimes safe, but then that truth is presented in front of you unexpectedly?
Thanks so much for your feedback, i'm looking at it with new eyes and already started trying to improve it from a reader's point of view.
Secondly the meaning behind the choices of words are not random. "With depleted, punctured life jackets - what? Big Grin sorry, but, what?" to be honest i'm struggling to understand how one can not understand this line. It means that his so called "preparation" for might come has already been used. It's depleted. He's gone through it before.
"He's heartbreak bound, courtesy of fatal attraction - one can't seriously use the phrase 'fatal attraction' in a poem - it just can't be done. and 'courtesy of...' sounds like a phrase better used in an advert or something."
May i ask why one cannot use that phrase? That's pretty blunt, and to be honest, hard feedback to say it cannot be done. The "courtesy of" was an attempt of sarcasm/irony.
I'm also confused with some of your seemingly contradicting feedback. You stated that you were confused with the too many pronouns but then also said that some of the lines were ruined by the declarative statement.
The opening two lines are about approaching the subject of lust but never actually confronting them about it. The "breach of reality"... have you never intentionally eluded finding out the truth because ignorance is sometimes safe, but then that truth is presented in front of you unexpectedly?
Thanks so much for your feedback, i'm looking at it with new eyes and already started trying to improve it from a reader's point of view.