Mares' Tails - Rev. #1

[Quixilated]

Strewth, this 'aint easy. I've tried to incorporate suggestions, reduce any misinterpretation, yet still make it mine and have it say what I want it to say. I've also aimed for a little simpler language.

All input appreciated.

Mares' Tails - Rev 1

White chiffon wisps canter
across azure skyfields, cold
heralds in a rarefied realm.
Seductive hooks on Andalusian tails;
fingers beckoning to ride
imaginary horses
along impalpable aerial ridges.
Velvet noses that cannot be nuzzled,
no warm scent to savour,
thundering hooves conspicuous
by their silence.
The weather front
drawn by graceful flicks
of silken ice.

---------------------------

First attempt at free verse.

Mares' Tails - Original

White chiffon wisps cantering
across azure skyfields, diaphanous
heralds in a rarefied realm.
Seductive hooks on Andalusian tails -
fingers beckoning to mount
and ride ethereal beasts
along impalpable aerial ridges.
Velvet noses that cannot be nuzzled,
no warm scent to savour,
thundering hooves conspicuous
by their silence.
The weather front drawn
by graceful flicks of silken ice.

Hi John,
Love this poem. I'm a huge fan of cloud watching and turning their shapes into fantasy worlds. The edit does tighten it up a bit, I especially like the readjustment at the end.

I liked it better when you didn't just spell it out with "imaginary horses." "Ethereal beasts" says exactly the same thing, and "ethereal" is a word much more suited to clouds. Also, technically, the horses are not imaginary, they are not in your mind, they do exist, just as cloud horses in the sky. When it's in Norton's Anthology, they'll just add a footnote explaining to those of us who might not know that Mare's Tails are a type of cloud.

I miss "Diaphanous" but I get why you took it out.

My favorite part:
"Velvet noses that cannot be nuzzled,
no warm scent to savour,
thundering hooves conspicuous
by their silence."
Love this. Honestly, that part with the last two lines could stand alone as a shorter, slightly more mysterious poem.

Alright, that's all I've got.
--Quix