Bridges (Refined #1)

[peacejazzspirit]

Go over the edge
Or across the bridge
The other side remains a mystery
Until you take the first step massive cliché alert...

This masterpiece is special somehow
Where it leads may not exist
Terabithia? this sounds like a thought you had while writing and decided to stick it in.
Or somewhere stunningly real: A realization? A confrontation? Or the birth of a new beginning? why is this line so long?

A presence of those past lingers
Like how Sonny's music soaked into the supports
And stayed there
Something pulls you forward and you follow...

You take the first step, a cautious one
Bearing your weight carefully
The strongest things can give
Now walk across ending line has no impact.

this poem is really, really,

really vague. your title is semi-interesting (i'm a sucker for bridges), but this does nothing to give life to that title. i think that if you have a simple title, then your poem should really expand and grow outwards on it.

i usually don't write poems in second-person point of view, but perhaps others can pull it off. this is not one of those times, unfortunately. the punctuation isn't varied enough and gives me a floaty, unsupported read because there's so little of it. 'take the first step' is a bit cliché to me as is the rest of the poem. your thoughts are there but yet unformed... i say, take some time to rethink what you'd like to say with this, then edit, and you may have something good on your hands.

good luck if you intend to edit! hope i was some help (if i wasn't, do ignore me).

43.

Thanks, 43, I appreciate your thoughts! I've never had much crit on my poetry so I know there is plenty I can improve. That long line... well, I don't know why I made it so long, it does throw off the balance. I don't usually write in second-person but thought it might draw the reader in more, as "you" is more inclusive than say if I wrote in first-person, "I"? Also why it is vague, "a bridge" can mean so many things and lead so many places; I wanted to leave the door open for the application of a personal situation, so that each reader will be taken back to a time they have had to "cross a bridge". I see no comment on the 3rd stanza, is it ok? I understand what you mean about the last line, I will work on that too. And also extract the cliche-ness. Again thanks, I am glad to hear my poem was not quite as good as I thought!