07-30-2015, 07:40 PM
Hi, ella,
I haven't anything to add or detract from what's already been said, except to reference this little bit:
The pop rings out, it carries sharp,
a bullet through the magic spell.
You're describing the pop and linking it to a bullet. Could the italicised part read better as the sharp report (and dumping the comma?)
The pop rings out, the sharp report
a bullet through the magic spell.
Overall an enjoyable piece and easily understood.
Cheers
I haven't anything to add or detract from what's already been said, except to reference this little bit:
The pop rings out, it carries sharp,
a bullet through the magic spell.
You're describing the pop and linking it to a bullet. Could the italicised part read better as the sharp report (and dumping the comma?)
The pop rings out, the sharp report
a bullet through the magic spell.
Overall an enjoyable piece and easily understood.
Cheers
A poet who can't make the language sing doesn't start. Hence the shortage of real poems amongst the global planktonic field of duds. - Clive James.