07-28-2015, 10:04 PM
(07-28-2015, 08:48 PM)John Wrote: Against the rocks black waters brokeRemember to check your forums... mild critique, Mr Tak/ Admin
And desperate men no more could strokeThe capitalising of each line is retro and very confusing. It is no substitute for competent punctuation...or no punctuation at all.
To save themselves from certain doomCliche level 2 cc
Out on the dark and rolling seaCliche level ccc
Their mournful cries of Pity me!ccc
Oh, for the safety of the womb.Beware of poetic melodrama. Oh, oh, woe is me...it is dated in absolute terms but moreso it is out of context here. There are better ways of getting the "effect" you want. cc
From howling shore the maid cried outTHE maid? I have not been introduced. Definite articles usually benefit from knowledge a priori. It is just A maid to me.
Her hearing keen for any shoutI know what you mean but it is clunky. Crying out and listening out are contra-indicated. Rework this if only to mitigate the need for obvious rhyme.
The babe kicked wildly in her womb Getting two(sic) womby. Doom, womb, entomb, womb and doom again later, and bloody womb again later stillYou need MORE vocabulary, to put it mildly.
Her breasts heaved deep as did the swell Complicating the line by switching things round doesn't get rid of the cliches it just means we have to look for them. Irritating
A murderous maelstrom born of Hell
And thus the souls of men entomb Gobbledygook
Faint dimming lanterns now and then faint and dim? one is redundant
Gave ebbing signs of stricken men Like the nauticality of ebbing
Too weak to save themselves from doom AAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHG! We are doomed, I tell you...doomed, doomed, doomed.
But on the shore more waters broke
The child freed from its natal yoke You are yolking, of course. Notwithstanding the pun it really is infra dig in this drama. No to this. In another place you would get away with it. I am tempted to say "Just tell the story" leaving out the cringeworthy cleverness. This piece is ambitiously extended but that is to your credit. As a story in rhyme you have something.
And lusty cries rang through the gloom Getting andy. This vessel is listing
Out on the dark and rolling sea Now ccccc
Whence came a final Pity me! Now, OK, you may have seen this "device" used before. Repetition of a "mantra"--what else can you do with a mantra--DOES work if you make it a driving force in the piece. As it is, you use it like a bell-push, one press plays twice, and so the repetition adds nothing to the intent. Ding! Doorbell...ding ding! Doorbell.
The crew fell silent in the spume If ever there was a forced error this is it...you are womb obsessed. Anything but "spume" would give you opportunities to rhyme beyond your wildest imaginings. The crew fell silent in the lull/spray/night/ebb/dark/hour etc.
There! Infant cries along the shore
Gave heart to men to lean on oar A good couplet slightly spoiled by the exclamatory start. What does it mean when the narrator SHOUTS, "There!". If the words do not carry the emotion exclamation marks rarely help...in fact, they lessen the impact because in this case, comedically, the reader thinks...Where?
To reach the safety of the womb
Blades flashed and dug and skirted rock
No watery grave would be their stock. Dreadful but you made it so. The word is fate or end. If you cannot get the right word to rhyme with "rock" then change "rock". It is YOUR poem. Beat the hell out of it until it conforms. There is no moving finger here...once writ you CAN go back to it.
Blades flashed and sculled through rock torn strait;
no watery grave would be their fate.
Your poem.
Rip-roaring tales of daring-do are attractive. The core of the piece MUST, though, be clearly transitional...a beginning, a middle, an end. I believe you almost pulled it off but ran out of clear water towards the end. We are left with a bunch of hairy-arsed matelots, stuffed in to a rowing boat for no known reason, cursing their way through a raging sea, a maelstom no less, dotted with pointy rocks (huh?), in the dark, in a storm...when they hear what SHOULD be a metaphorical siren bringing them to their demise...but no metaphor she as she is about to, then does, give birth. Wha? Who? Wh? To make this work the reader MUST be aware of all that you, the writer, is seeing. Does it make sense, does it follow through, is there a SINGLE point or purpose, is there a core metaphor and does it CLARIFY or obscure. Enough for mild. I have gone too far already. Take what you will from this. I like the adventurous poet, both because of boldness of intent and bravery in subject choice...so DO work on this. The main problems are cliche, repetition, forced rhymes, directional uncertainty and lack of any helpful ( yes, that's why it was invented) punctuation.
Best,
tectak


You need MORE vocabulary, to put it mildly.