07-28-2015, 05:49 PM
Hi,
Your last two lines sum up this piece, but I fail to see what's in it for the reader. So you've just woken up - we all feel like that. It's pure joyless disjointed introspection.
On two occasions you've used ellipses as if to continue some profound thought, and then cut it dead with What? and whatever. And whatever is a massive cop-out from having to continue the thought (tiredness not being an excuse.)
Having said that, you've got some interesting imagery. You've allowed me to imagine bloodied hands in a cotton-picking machine, and I know what wet sheep smell like. All evocative.
In fact, your imagery is such that it may work far better as observation and description of aspects of life, as opposed to introversion. I want to enjoy poetry, be moved, be made to think, be incited to write, to read. I don't want to be trapped in someone's head as they're waking up.
Hope some of the above is of use.
Cheers
Your last two lines sum up this piece, but I fail to see what's in it for the reader. So you've just woken up - we all feel like that. It's pure joyless disjointed introspection.
On two occasions you've used ellipses as if to continue some profound thought, and then cut it dead with What? and whatever. And whatever is a massive cop-out from having to continue the thought (tiredness not being an excuse.)
Having said that, you've got some interesting imagery. You've allowed me to imagine bloodied hands in a cotton-picking machine, and I know what wet sheep smell like. All evocative.
In fact, your imagery is such that it may work far better as observation and description of aspects of life, as opposed to introversion. I want to enjoy poetry, be moved, be made to think, be incited to write, to read. I don't want to be trapped in someone's head as they're waking up.
Hope some of the above is of use.
Cheers
A poet who can't make the language sing doesn't start. Hence the shortage of real poems amongst the global planktonic field of duds. - Clive James.