07-25-2015, 07:22 AM
V,
I feel sorry for the teacher in this poem. Those kids sound like a handful! Anyway, on to the poetry!!!!
1.) Try starting the poem with "Today I baweld .. etc." The first stanza is a little confusing and seems relatively unrelated to the rest of the poem. If you really like it and want to keep it in, experiment with placing it closer to the end. It seems more like a conclusion statement than an opener.
2.) I actually like complaining poems, especially when they are humorous and self aware. The teacher is aware that he/she is being a bit ridiculous during this melt down, and acknowledges it with various childish antics like bawling to the principle. In my experience poems of this nature tend to have a set rhythm pattern. It would make the poem easier to read quickly and it would help to give it a lighthearted feel.
3.) This poem would read better if you take out the nom noms and quack quacks. They mess with your rhythm, and the quacks will confuse most readers who are unlikely to make the duct/duck mental leap.
4.) There are a few idea redundancies where you basically say the same thing a few different ways. When you are editing if you need to take someting out for meter or line symetry or just to condense and compact, take your redundancies and smash them into one stronger phrase. I once had an english professor who said to make the sentences "lean." When you do this, though your words are fewer, the impact is actually greater.
Good luck with your editing! I hope this was somewhat helpful.
--Quix
Oh, I see you did take out the noms and quacks in the edit later. --Sorry I didn't see it there. I'll read that over and see if anything else I said is obsolete.
I feel sorry for the teacher in this poem. Those kids sound like a handful! Anyway, on to the poetry!!!!
1.) Try starting the poem with "Today I baweld .. etc." The first stanza is a little confusing and seems relatively unrelated to the rest of the poem. If you really like it and want to keep it in, experiment with placing it closer to the end. It seems more like a conclusion statement than an opener.
2.) I actually like complaining poems, especially when they are humorous and self aware. The teacher is aware that he/she is being a bit ridiculous during this melt down, and acknowledges it with various childish antics like bawling to the principle. In my experience poems of this nature tend to have a set rhythm pattern. It would make the poem easier to read quickly and it would help to give it a lighthearted feel.
3.) This poem would read better if you take out the nom noms and quack quacks. They mess with your rhythm, and the quacks will confuse most readers who are unlikely to make the duct/duck mental leap.
4.) There are a few idea redundancies where you basically say the same thing a few different ways. When you are editing if you need to take someting out for meter or line symetry or just to condense and compact, take your redundancies and smash them into one stronger phrase. I once had an english professor who said to make the sentences "lean." When you do this, though your words are fewer, the impact is actually greater.
Good luck with your editing! I hope this was somewhat helpful.
--Quix
Oh, I see you did take out the noms and quacks in the edit later. --Sorry I didn't see it there. I'll read that over and see if anything else I said is obsolete.
The Soufflé isn’t the soufflé; the soufflé is the recipe. --Clara