07-22-2015, 08:14 AM
I really enjoyed the edited version. The rhyming certainly made it flow even when it wasn't a "full" rhyme such as: "Your eyes almost return to the step you had in mind,
but hesitate a moment, then buoyantly rise to mine." Even though "mind" and "mine" isn't a huge rhyme i think this was the best part of it, it tells a story and as i read it in my mind it sounded good as well. The ending isn't boring, not at all but you might have something else in mind for it. One thing to improve which i tell to pretty much anyone (maybe it's my problem as a reader haha) but open the lines differently a bit more. "I've never felt such warmth as in your reassuring tone,". I felt that this could've been opened with "Never have i felt...." and then go into it. It would really help the flow of it and to me, when the poem is opened with "i" or "i have" etc it doesn't explore the many emotions that will do the poem justice.
I loved the whole thing. Definitely my kind of poem.
but hesitate a moment, then buoyantly rise to mine." Even though "mind" and "mine" isn't a huge rhyme i think this was the best part of it, it tells a story and as i read it in my mind it sounded good as well. The ending isn't boring, not at all but you might have something else in mind for it. One thing to improve which i tell to pretty much anyone (maybe it's my problem as a reader haha) but open the lines differently a bit more. "I've never felt such warmth as in your reassuring tone,". I felt that this could've been opened with "Never have i felt...." and then go into it. It would really help the flow of it and to me, when the poem is opened with "i" or "i have" etc it doesn't explore the many emotions that will do the poem justice.
I loved the whole thing. Definitely my kind of poem.