07-15-2015, 04:23 AM
Hello kaijoy-
Some notes --
My room
is full of elephants.
Trumpeting prophets,
whose footprints have been lost
in the gusts of greens and groggy eyes.[b]weird metaphor, as eyes don't gust, wind does
Or thrusts of thought pumping jagged sighs through lips left ajar.another metaphor gone awry: "sighs"/"thoughts"
Please be careful with the metaphors, as many are mixed and/or confusing. This lends to abstractions that over-fill the poem. While I applaud the use of imagery, there needs to be more concrete images for this reader to hold onto.
In the end you write "I'm aiming for the grass to hug me" and this reader is most confused, since grass will not hug anybody jumping from any distance. Once again, the metaphor is inaccurate.
Lastly, the poem would be far more powerful if you shorten it... considerably.
The roomful of elephants is a great starting place.
... Mark
Some notes --
My room
is full of elephants.
Trumpeting prophets,
whose footprints have been lost
in the gusts of greens and groggy eyes.[b]weird metaphor, as eyes don't gust, wind does
Or thrusts of thought pumping jagged sighs through lips left ajar.another metaphor gone awry: "sighs"/"thoughts"
Please be careful with the metaphors, as many are mixed and/or confusing. This lends to abstractions that over-fill the poem. While I applaud the use of imagery, there needs to be more concrete images for this reader to hold onto.
In the end you write "I'm aiming for the grass to hug me" and this reader is most confused, since grass will not hug anybody jumping from any distance. Once again, the metaphor is inaccurate.
Lastly, the poem would be far more powerful if you shorten it... considerably.
The roomful of elephants is a great starting place.
... Mark