07-15-2015, 04:20 AM
Disclaimer: new to critique, proceed with caution.
1). Is Insanity the speaker? Or is the speaker a person who merely wishes to render the girl insane? (Cue mental image of a villain with a sinister chuckle as he devises new psychological torments) I could read it either way. Personal preference is that it is Insanity personified. Perhaps the title could be used to answer this question somehow. (examples Insanity's Triumph etc. or if it's a person, then let's say for example it is meant to be a malicious boyfriend it could be titled "The player" These aren't great titles, but it's just for illustration.) This clues the reader in to who is wielding such a powerful falshood. Or maybe a clue could be slid in somewhere else? Or perhaps having the question answered is not important to the purpose of the story.
2). Now line by line, with punctuation or wording suggestions, in case you are in the market for some alternates. However, if, like an overzealous fish monger, my wares stink, then feel free to toss them in the rubbish bin.
I really like this poem, it gives me the same feeling as a picture of a crumbling abandoned castle shouded in mist. Dramatic and mysterious and a little dangerous.
1). Is Insanity the speaker? Or is the speaker a person who merely wishes to render the girl insane? (Cue mental image of a villain with a sinister chuckle as he devises new psychological torments) I could read it either way. Personal preference is that it is Insanity personified. Perhaps the title could be used to answer this question somehow. (examples Insanity's Triumph etc. or if it's a person, then let's say for example it is meant to be a malicious boyfriend it could be titled "The player" These aren't great titles, but it's just for illustration.) This clues the reader in to who is wielding such a powerful falshood. Or maybe a clue could be slid in somewhere else? Or perhaps having the question answered is not important to the purpose of the story.
2). Now line by line, with punctuation or wording suggestions, in case you are in the market for some alternates. However, if, like an overzealous fish monger, my wares stink, then feel free to toss them in the rubbish bin.
(06-13-2015, 01:26 PM)queenconstantine Wrote: *anxiously awaits helpful critique*Sorry, I'll stop now. Your toys are fun to play with.
My weapon, a lie, insidious creeping. ("My weapon? A lie etc." Or "My weapon: a lie etc." to create a dramatic pause between weapon and lie.)
I attack, her soul, her being. ("I attack her soul, her being." first comma unnecessary. Or "Attacks her soul, her fragile being.") (Or instead of "fragile" maybe a word to clue us into why the speaker dislikes her soul and wants to break it? For example if the speaker is disgusted by her innocence it could be "gentle being" etc.)
Soon a doubt, a question raising,
What is truth, is she mistaking?
Fantasy holds such allure,
When her mind is so unsure.
She overlooks, her demons watch, (I had to read this line a few times to see that "overlooks" implied she is standing on a precipice about to fall ... at first I read it that she was missing something, like "overlooking a key piece of information" Is there another way to say this to make the image clear immediately? Or Possibly switch the second two lines with these. "Balanced ... Another ... overlooks ... one step ..." Then we read the part about balancing on the line first, which is what clued me in to what, specifically, she is overlooking.)
One step closer, she'll be lost.
Balanced on that tempting line,
Another thought, she'll soon be mine
No one hears her grievous plea,
As she sinks to insanity. (options: "She has succumbed to insanity." "she has embraced insanity" again that would be if Insanity is speaking. "She plummets to insanity" more dramatic.)
I really like this poem, it gives me the same feeling as a picture of a crumbling abandoned castle shouded in mist. Dramatic and mysterious and a little dangerous.
The Soufflé isn’t the soufflé; the soufflé is the recipe. --Clara