07-11-2015, 08:36 PM
Hi, I think you have made some really good editing choices. I'll give you a few thoughts on this version.
[quote='fluorescent.43' pid='193544' dateline='1436284874']
Revision (lots of thanks to Todd and Billy for the critique!):
there was a little girl who loved the world.
today’s july. I really like this as a crisp opener. One thing i will say from the off, is that I would like to see a bit of clarity in the form of consistant use of punctuation. if you are going to use periods then i would prefer the use of capitalisation as well to give me some reading leads.
the years are falling
through my fingers. Nice lines. Like the use of italics through this piece to denote the reflective voice.
i live (in the ownership of) a dream where
flames lick my neck and tattoo my wrist. Nice images here.
it’s burning me. Note sure i needed this line.
there was a little girl who believed
she could make things last.
that we’d be playing with the clouds;
that we’d be stringing stars through a broken chain.
that we’d have time. Realy love this whole stanza.
there was a little girl who realized
i’m losing myself. wondered why this line and the two below was not connected to the one above. All of these lines spaces are quite distracting to the flow of the read I think.
next july i’ll be not-quite sixteen.
no time left for this dreaming shit.
don’t forget where your abandoned dreams sit: Not sure these words were needed, felt overly wordy.
piled on my shoulders, etched in my eyes.
there was a little girl who cocked her gun
and thought everyone was a target.
i pulled the trigger and— Not sure I is needed...but still thinking this over.
—and the sun was swallowed by a bottleneck sky and—
—and the flames made me cry.
there is a young woman who doesn’t know
if she’s strong enough
to stand below a blue sky.
the teen spirit i carry Not so sure about these last two lines. Again feel wordy for the emotion. Perhaps as a suggestion :
A teen spirit spilling over,
staining my hands.
is spilling over, staining my hands.
i stand on red clay…
skeletons are buried here. Love these lines. Very strong.
there is a young woman who wants to fly.
the weight of reality ties
her ankles to the earth. Think you should end here. The last lines feel overdone and forced to my read.
when did it begin to start?
...was it ever there
to begin with?
fire, guttering on paper scraps
smoke, rising from what’s being burned.
[[note: is this revision too long? should i pare it down?]]
Well done this is some excellent writing. All the best AJ.
[quote='fluorescent.43' pid='193544' dateline='1436284874']
Revision (lots of thanks to Todd and Billy for the critique!):
there was a little girl who loved the world.
today’s july. I really like this as a crisp opener. One thing i will say from the off, is that I would like to see a bit of clarity in the form of consistant use of punctuation. if you are going to use periods then i would prefer the use of capitalisation as well to give me some reading leads.
the years are falling
through my fingers. Nice lines. Like the use of italics through this piece to denote the reflective voice.
i live (in the ownership of) a dream where
flames lick my neck and tattoo my wrist. Nice images here.
it’s burning me. Note sure i needed this line.
there was a little girl who believed
she could make things last.
that we’d be playing with the clouds;
that we’d be stringing stars through a broken chain.
that we’d have time. Realy love this whole stanza.
there was a little girl who realized
i’m losing myself. wondered why this line and the two below was not connected to the one above. All of these lines spaces are quite distracting to the flow of the read I think.
next july i’ll be not-quite sixteen.
no time left for this dreaming shit.
don’t forget where your abandoned dreams sit: Not sure these words were needed, felt overly wordy.
piled on my shoulders, etched in my eyes.
there was a little girl who cocked her gun
and thought everyone was a target.
i pulled the trigger and— Not sure I is needed...but still thinking this over.
—and the sun was swallowed by a bottleneck sky and—
—and the flames made me cry.
there is a young woman who doesn’t know
if she’s strong enough
to stand below a blue sky.
the teen spirit i carry Not so sure about these last two lines. Again feel wordy for the emotion. Perhaps as a suggestion :
A teen spirit spilling over,
staining my hands.
is spilling over, staining my hands.
i stand on red clay…
skeletons are buried here. Love these lines. Very strong.
there is a young woman who wants to fly.
the weight of reality ties
her ankles to the earth. Think you should end here. The last lines feel overdone and forced to my read.
when did it begin to start?
...was it ever there
to begin with?
fire, guttering on paper scraps
smoke, rising from what’s being burned.
[[note: is this revision too long? should i pare it down?]]
Well done this is some excellent writing. All the best AJ.