Flight

[billy]

i've stopped before over doing it

the poem as some cliche but overall it's okay. the flames line stood out for me but i'd like to see it expanded on. it feels a little wordy in places

there was a little girl who loved the world. not a very interesting start but if you read the poem a few time it works as a refrain.
today’s july (my god, where do the years go? i like the today's july the () didn't work well enough to keep here for me
they’re falling through my fingers)
i live in (the ownership of) a dream where here they do work well enough
flames lick my neck and tattoo my wrist.  a good strong image though i now want to know why

there was a little girl who believed the enjambment here works well
she could make things last.
that we’d keep on fighting this idealistic war, feels a little too easy because it doesn't really say anything
that we’d be stringing stars through a broken chain. another great image, like the use of stars and broken chains which to me represent a broken childhood
that’d we have time.

there was a little girl who realized
she was losing herself.
next july i’ll be not-quite sixteen,
and no time left for this dreaming shit
(don’t forget where your abandoned dreams sit)

there was a little girl who cocked her gun
and thought everyone was a target.
until her eyes blurred, and the scene changed—
a different war, lined in bloody guts.
laugh all you want, but i’ll just keep on
marching, with my flickering torches of pretense.

there’s a young woman who doesn’t know
what she’s fighting for.
nothing harder than teen spirit,
but it’s spilling over, staining my hands.
(when did i grow so strong?) this stanza feels cliche

there’s a young woman who wants to fly.
the weight of reality ties her ankles to the earth.
(when did it begin to start?
fire, guttering on paper scraps
smoke, rising plaintively from what’s being burned)