Flight

[fluorescent.43]

Hi Melody,


Welcome to the site! I've read this through a few times, here's some feedback for your consideration below:

there was a little girl who loved the world.--I like this opening/refrain. It gives it a fable or parable quality that I like. 
today’s july (my god, where do the years go?
they’re falling through my fingers)--This may just be preference but I'm not as fond of these parenthetical asides. I think they pull me out of the read, and sound a bit clunky as internal dialogue (whether it is truly internal dialogue, it could be another person reflecting on the girl, it could also be the young woman reflecting back and clarifying the earlier experience).
i live in (the ownership of) a dream where--Same here, though at least in this case I get the sense of it being the older girl reclarifying (if that is even your intent).
flames lick my neck and tattoo my wrist. --Nice visual image

there was a little girl who believed--Nice line break
she could make things last.--When I like the poem best it makes statements like these opening lines and then provides a compelling image. 
that we’d keep on fighting this idealistic war,--This feels a bit too direct. I'd consider cutting it.
that we’d be stringing stars through a broken chain.--This feels young and innocent and lovely, but still sad when you consider line 2 and line 5
that’d we have time.--Typo: that we'd 

there was a little girl who realized--Be careful with too many static in your head type verbs to break on
she was losing herself.--Sounds good on the surface but really a bit vague. 
next july i’ll be not-quite sixteen,
and no time left for this dreaming shit
(don’t forget where your abandoned dreams sit)

there was a little girl who cocked her gun
and thought everyone was a target.--Wonderful phrasing and imagery in these two lines. A much better version of what some of the thoughts of idealistic war above also implied.
until her eyes blurred, and the scene changed—
a different war, lined in bloody guts.
laugh all you want, but i’ll just keep on 
marching, with my flickering torches of pretense.--These last three lines feel a bit vague and could use a more grounding image. Flickering torches of pretense lacks substance.

there’s a young woman who doesn’t know--I think you may want to keep the cadence of there was/is as opposed to the contraction.
what she’s fighting for.
nothing harder than teen spirit,
but it’s spilling over, staining my hands.
(when did i grow so strong?)--More show, less reflective question 

there’s a young woman who wants to fly.
the weight of reality ties her ankles to the earth.
(when did it begin to start?--Not a fan of the parentheses or this particular line. I like the rest except for plaintively which is hard to see in smoke, and feels a bit bolted on. 
fire, guttering on paper scraps
smoke, rising plaintively from what’s being burned)

I may be pushing the propriety of the Mild forum, so I'll stop there. There is a lot I like here. I hope the comments help some.

Best,

Todd

thanks very much for the critique! it's much appreciated. all the things you mentioned make a lot of sense and i'll be sure to use your comments to edit this. the parentheses are reflections from an older self, but you're right- it is a bit jarring and confusing if you're not the poet (oops!).

I like this.  Don't have it in me to do much of a constructive critique.  You understand things poetically.  That's obvious.  

Anyway....welcome.  

(PS> Don't tell me you're like 24 or something.  Then I'll hate you)

(PSS> I haven't interacted with "Todd" on this site,  but he really reads well and gives his best in criticism (which is usually very good).  It's a bit of an honor to get such a thing from him, methinks.)

thanks for... the sort of critique? haha. you're right, i should probably be grateful Todd gave me some feedback. and as for your post-scripts, i'm not quite 24. so don't hate me!