That Woman with the Long Brown Hair

[i.might.be.a.bit.sad]

Hi,
So, this is a first edit of a not so good original! Couple of points before reading, there is no attempt to rhyme during this poem and the fourth stanza is intended to humanise hence the universal obvious statements. Hope this is better.

Revision

That (the) woman with the long brown hair (either adda comma before she or take out she) she wore a mask,
she (no she) painted her body in ink and slept during the day
At night she has (had--change of tense) to face an unwanted and risky task,
to meet and attend to the eager and lustful eyes of men <--somehow the wording or syntax of this stanza just doesn't work. I put in some tentative suggestions.

"It's a sin (!)" I hear the religious fanatics shout,
It's (about?) as sinful as starting a fire to stay warm
"One year in prison" the law thunders (,) disgusted,
the judge smashes his hammer and with it,
any chance of recovery she may have had <--this line could be more poetic.

Maybe at home she's a mother of three,
could it be she's just trying to meet (make) ends meet?
Or maybe she's got a drug habit and debts,
living in fear, with no cure for her illness
Either way persecution of the vulnerable,
only leads to societal and individual hardship <--and suddenly i'm reading an article in some scholarly journal about the societal impacts of the judicial system on minorities and underprivileged peoples in the cities of america. Make it more relateable. Peotry makes the complicated simple, not the simple complicated.

Success stunted by social prejudice and mass ignorance,
leaving only a social algorithm designed to mistreat
The disregard for her person and the truth beneath,
can only leave a hole where progress could've been <--same as above stanza

But when she gets hungry she starves,
and when she gets thirsty she withers
If she's cut her warm blood leaks out,
and her tears produce clear emotion <-- i like this stanza the most. But there is so much abstract imagery here and so little everywhere else, it takes me by surprise. Try to tie the rest of them to this one.

For those who have fallen victim to a system,
who treat the helpless as if they had a choice
Those who suffer social closure and exclusion,
life is but a vicious cycle with no release


Original

That woman with the long brown hair she wore a mask,
She painted her body in ink and slept during the day,
Waking at night black panther stalking the street lights

I heard she dabbled in the dark arts, sinless sinner,
As sinful as Adam and as lost and forgotten as Eve

misunderstood at night under siege she makes her way,

I heard when she gets hungry she starves,
And when she gets thirsty she shrivels
When she's cut she bleeds with humanity,
And when she cries her tears produce clear honesty

I heard that when we leave the house we wear masks,
And when we get home they begin to crack

I almost like the first one better. I might combine the two, and maybe try to make the societal point WAY more subtly, if you feel you need to keep it at all. Try taking out the line breaks and reading it like prose. If it sounds like a book, you are doing something wrong and need to be more poetic. Overall, i really like this poem and see great potential. Sorry if i was harsh