Where I Forgot

[QDeathstar]

i

Hi,

This is a first draft of a poem. Looking for criticism. Thanks!

In the wildlife down the footpath, in the wildlife? like... impaled?
surrounded by green seas, brick free
The breeze, bees and trees meet at once, meet
a river and a small castle bathe,
in the smooth natural order
A home which catered for the soul       catered for the soul? don't you mean to

I found myself noticing few, why is there a comma here?
certain qualities there which, I, which, I is a terrible line breaks.
also observed within myself    
Soft sand, malleable like clay,
the tide helps it change, morph into,
something solid, fresh, made anew what are we talking about? what qualities? soft sand like clay. is it sand or clay. Is the sand malleable like clay, or are you. Or is nature?

I, the rocks which the water lapped, You are rocks?
nature's duster shines the rock face natures duster is a terrible metaphore for the sun. I'd think it'd be more fitting for rain....
The birds songs appeared to cure,
calm and restitch my mind's loose seams      
Nature's way of healing it made,
time, space and silence culminate

I sought prolonged quiet so,
I could hurl it between my ears
To extract the stress of old tears,
I bathed in an organic spa,
being washed clean of memory,
and any blemishes fear caused

I left a scratch on a large rock,
as to leave myself a trigger
So if I had to show myself,
to remember, how to forget,
I could return to the water,
back to the same mark on the cliff

I appreciate the effort. Keep trying.


I'd start with a shorter poem. Poetry isn't fabreeze -- Flowery language meant to cover the scent of smelly garbage in the form of weak metaphors and tedious plot.