07-07-2015, 08:06 AM
Hi, back again! To be honest it was easier to read the original than the first edit, because it had an imagery thing going on..I was picturing this blank panther padding along with one thing on its mind: street-lights!
In the first edit I felt a bit bogged down with lots of words telling me how I should perceive the woman with long brown hair. I didn't know enough about Long Brown Hair...for all I know she might have got eaten by the black panther when she was standing by a street-light.. I need to know the girl behind the mask (S.1, line 1) and I don't want maybes like Stanza 3 , lines 1-4 "MAYBE she's a mother of three..debts..illness..drug habit etc". She either has or she hasn't . Cut out lines 5-6. That's telling me what opinion I should have about maybes.
Decide who's glasses you're borrowing to look at long brown haired woman (I think she needs some high-lights!). If it's a preachy view, (stanza 2 - "it's a sin"), then maybe she could meet a priest on a street corner, or she meets dark figure behind the curtain at confession? What's he thinking about her? Or something else..or whatever..who knows? You do, because it's your poem.
If the glasses (shades/contacts!) were her own then this is an example of a first person poem from an African author who seems to have a similar intention to yours i.e to show humanity.
Hated and Loved (A sex worker's dirge) by Phillip Christos Chidavaenzi
In the harsh glare of the day’s light,
like a leper you shun me,
like a curse,
openly you revile me,
sneering and mocking.
Yet when sunlight fades,
your secret desires are unleashed,
and you seek me like cool water
in a summer afternoon.
Any who, just some thoughts..All the best with your poem. Thanks for the read! Grace.
In the first edit I felt a bit bogged down with lots of words telling me how I should perceive the woman with long brown hair. I didn't know enough about Long Brown Hair...for all I know she might have got eaten by the black panther when she was standing by a street-light.. I need to know the girl behind the mask (S.1, line 1) and I don't want maybes like Stanza 3 , lines 1-4 "MAYBE she's a mother of three..debts..illness..drug habit etc". She either has or she hasn't . Cut out lines 5-6. That's telling me what opinion I should have about maybes.
Decide who's glasses you're borrowing to look at long brown haired woman (I think she needs some high-lights!). If it's a preachy view, (stanza 2 - "it's a sin"), then maybe she could meet a priest on a street corner, or she meets dark figure behind the curtain at confession? What's he thinking about her? Or something else..or whatever..who knows? You do, because it's your poem.
If the glasses (shades/contacts!) were her own then this is an example of a first person poem from an African author who seems to have a similar intention to yours i.e to show humanity.
Hated and Loved (A sex worker's dirge) by Phillip Christos Chidavaenzi
In the harsh glare of the day’s light,
like a leper you shun me,
like a curse,
openly you revile me,
sneering and mocking.
Yet when sunlight fades,
your secret desires are unleashed,
and you seek me like cool water
in a summer afternoon.
Any who, just some thoughts..All the best with your poem. Thanks for the read! Grace.
