That Woman with the Long Brown Hair

[jams01752]

Hello again jams, and welcome!  I understand that being new to poetry and posting your work can be scary.  But hey, poetry needs to be shared.

I already commented on the original and add a few suggestions:

Try to "be" your 'woman with the long brown hair'.  Writing from her point of view would be more powerful.  Writing from the 3rd person lends itself to climbing on a soapbox.

Write what you know.  If you cannot relate to "the woman.." it will show.  Research- offer real examples (the newspapers are full of them).   You've offered a lot of opinions, but few hard facts.  Hard facts are convincing, unfounded opinions are not.  I want to be convinced.

This forum offers a chance for interaction, whereas the reality is that a poem must say what it going to say in one shot.  No opportunities to explain later.  If I missed something, then what did I miss?   Please, explain within the context of the poem.  If there are double meanings, I'll probably get them if they're expressed clearly.  You say I missed the point, and I say, "it ain't my fault."

That said, please be careful, because explaining can turn into "telling".  I want you to show me.  Show with concrete images (especially about the woman, and/or her immediate surroundings).  Give her a drug habit. Three kids.  Show me her illness.    

Read this aloud, to yourself, or someone else.  Does it sound preachy?  (I thought so.)  Listen to the response from your test listener, and hopefully you'll get an honest reaction.  ("WOW, pretty cool" is not very useful.)

Try completely re-doing S.2, S.3, and S.4 as those stanzas are very preachy.  In reality I have yet to hear a religious fanatic shout, "it's a sin".  I'm not even sure what a religious fanatic really is. Once again, I'm not convinced.

Please do not take offense, as none is intended.  Please don't go "on the defense", as your effort is worth investigating further, and fully. A poem of a few stanzas can only contain so many words: make them all count.

Perhaps I'll revisit and offer a line-by-line take on this one, but right now I need to get ready for the USA v JAPAN, women's world cup final... nothing like kick ball played so well...  

more later...
... Mark

Hi Mark,

Thanks again for the comment and I agree poetry needs to be shared and honest criticism needs to be left (I wouldn't like it be giving false criticism).

I can see what you mean on a topic such as the one this poem is involved with it does call for hard facts i'll try and include some. There was a couple of things I thought you missed such as the purpose of the 2nd last stanza on the original (which was to humanise her) and the reason for the singular line (important idea in the poem) but once I had went away and re-read the poem and then thought about it I agree with what you're saying if you've missed the point then it's because i've not been effective enough in showing it to you.

I'll try changing up these stanzas and try and change that tone, it wasn't intentional. Also I will add some concrete images. Maybe something more appropriate would be 'The bible shouts "it's a sin"' as the bible does not accept prostitution, sex before marriage or female sexual promiscuity in any way, that way it removes from the readers own experiences. A religious fanatic is someone who is very active in demonstrating their faith and during this may end up forcing their faith/beliefs upon another.

I have been trying to get the balance right between being explicit and implicit in my writing. Things which seemed to clear to me as the writer who has an idea in their head isn't always translated properly to the reader, if my reply had seemed to defensive that was why.

That'd be great. The comments are much appreciated. Enjoy the game, I was watching the England vs Germany game for third place. Very good World Cup this year.
James

---

Hey jams.  Now I'll try some old-fashioned scanning (others may get it differently, but I will be pretty close. I want to do this so that you'll see how the stresses/accents fall.  Accents then affect the meter.
"-" = unaccented and "/" = accented  

That woman with the long brown hair she wore a mask, -/---/////-/
she painted her body in ink and slept during the day  -/--/--/-//--/
At night she has to face an unwanted and risky task,  -/---/--/--/-/
to meet and attend to the eager and lustful eyes of men  -/--/--/--/-/-/

"It's a sin" I hear the religious fanatics shout,  --/-/--/--/-/
It's as sinful as starting a fire to stay warm --/--/--/-//
"One year in prison" the law thunders disgusted,  -/-/--//--/-
the judge smashes his hammer and with it, -//--/--/-
any chance of recovery she may have had /-/--/--/---

Maybe at home she's a mother of three, /--//-/--/
could it be she's just trying to meet ends meet? --/--/--///
Or maybe she's got a drug habit and debts, -/-/--//--/
living in fear, with no cure for her illness /--/--/--/-
Either way persecution of the vulnerable, /-/-//---/---
only leads to societal and individual hardship /-/--/-----/--//

Success stunted by social prejudice and mass ignorance, -//--/--/--/--/
leaving only a social algorithm designed to mistreat /-/--/---/--/--/
The disregard for her person and the truth beneath, -/-/--/---/-/
can only leave a hole where progress could've been -/-/-/-/-/--

But when she gets hungry she starves, /---/--/
and when she gets thirsty she withers ----/--/-
If she's cut her warm blood leaks out, --/-////
and her tears produce clear emotion --/-//-/-

For those who have fallen victim to a system ----/-/---/-
who treat the helpless as if they had a choice -/-/------/
Those who suffer social closure and exclusion,--/-/-/---/-
life is but a vicious cycle with no release /-/-/-/----/

Hmmm?   What do you see?  What I see is meter that is all over the place.  Probably more "iambs" than I marked, giving the piece a decidedly prose-like structure.

The line breaks and uneven stanza lengths need to be addressed:  you're either writing in quatrains or not.

More later...
... Mark

Hi again,

This is something I need to work on a lot and is something that I have not even acknowledged when writing this poem! You're right it is all over the place and needs to be amended. Thanks for taking the time to do that it gives me something to work from.

James

---

Hi,
So, this is a first edit of a not so good original! Couple of points before reading, there is no attempt to rhyme during this poem and the fourth stanza is intended to humanise hence the universal obvious statements. Hope this is better.

That woman with the long brown hair she wore a mask,
she painted her body in ink and slept during the day
At night she has to face an unwanted and risky task,
to meet and attend to the eager and lustful eyes of men

"It's a sin" I hear the religious fanatics shout,
It's as sinful as starting a fire to stay warm
"One year in prison" the law thunders disgusted,
the judge smashes his hammer and with it,
any chance of recovery she may have had

Maybe at home she's a mother of three,
could it be she's just trying to meet ends meet?
Or maybe she's got a drug habit and debts,
living in fear, with no cure for her illness
Either way persecution of the vulnerable,
only leads to societal and individual hardship

Success stunted by social prejudice and mass ignorance,
leaving only a social algorithm designed to mistreat
The disregard for her person and the truth beneath,
can only leave a hole where progress could've been

But when she gets hungry she starves,
and when she gets thirsty she withers
If she's cut her warm blood leaks out,
and her tears produce clear emotion

For those who have fallen victim to a system,
who treat the helpless as if they had a choice
Those who suffer social closure and exclusion,
life is but a vicious cycle with no release

Hi Jams, I think your first edit may have gone unnoticed, so I'm posting it up for you. I see that you've said you're new to poetry and welcome critique. You've gone away and worked on the poem. It would help readers if you could copy in the original under the revision.  I'm going  to come back to this.  Thanks for posting. Grace.

Hi Grace,

Thanks! I am and I have. Oh, i'll get posted below just now. Thanks for the comment and letting me know that.
James