07-06-2015, 11:48 PM
Hey jams. Now I'll try some old-fashioned scanning (others may get it differently, but I will be pretty close. I want to do this so that you'll see how the stresses/accents fall. Accents then affect the meter.
"-" = unaccented and "/" = accented
That woman with the long brown hair she wore a mask, -/---/////-/
she painted her body in ink and slept during the day -/--/--/-//--/
At night she has to face an unwanted and risky task, -/---/--/--/-/
to meet and attend to the eager and lustful eyes of men -/--/--/--/-/-/
"It's a sin" I hear the religious fanatics shout, --/-/--/--/-/
It's as sinful as starting a fire to stay warm --/--/--/-//
"One year in prison" the law thunders disgusted, -/-/--//--/-
the judge smashes his hammer and with it, -//--/--/-
any chance of recovery she may have had /-/--/--/---
Maybe at home she's a mother of three, /--//-/--/
could it be she's just trying to meet ends meet? --/--/--///
Or maybe she's got a drug habit and debts, -/-/--//--/
living in fear, with no cure for her illness /--/--/--/-
Either way persecution of the vulnerable, /-/-//---/---
only leads to societal and individual hardship /-/--/-----/--//
Success stunted by social prejudice and mass ignorance, -//--/--/--/--/
leaving only a social algorithm designed to mistreat /-/--/---/--/--/
The disregard for her person and the truth beneath, -/-/--/---/-/
can only leave a hole where progress could've been -/-/-/-/-/--
But when she gets hungry she starves, /---/--/
and when she gets thirsty she withers ----/--/-
If she's cut her warm blood leaks out, --/-////
and her tears produce clear emotion --/-//-/-
For those who have fallen victim to a system ----/-/---/-
who treat the helpless as if they had a choice -/-/------/
Those who suffer social closure and exclusion,--/-/-/---/-
life is but a vicious cycle with no release /-/-/-/----/
Hmmm? What do you see? What I see is meter that is all over the place. Probably more "iambs" than I marked, giving the piece a decidedly prose-like structure.
The line breaks and uneven stanza lengths need to be addressed: you're either writing in quatrains or not.
More later...
... Mark
"-" = unaccented and "/" = accented
That woman with the long brown hair she wore a mask, -/---/////-/
she painted her body in ink and slept during the day -/--/--/-//--/
At night she has to face an unwanted and risky task, -/---/--/--/-/
to meet and attend to the eager and lustful eyes of men -/--/--/--/-/-/
"It's a sin" I hear the religious fanatics shout, --/-/--/--/-/
It's as sinful as starting a fire to stay warm --/--/--/-//
"One year in prison" the law thunders disgusted, -/-/--//--/-
the judge smashes his hammer and with it, -//--/--/-
any chance of recovery she may have had /-/--/--/---
Maybe at home she's a mother of three, /--//-/--/
could it be she's just trying to meet ends meet? --/--/--///
Or maybe she's got a drug habit and debts, -/-/--//--/
living in fear, with no cure for her illness /--/--/--/-
Either way persecution of the vulnerable, /-/-//---/---
only leads to societal and individual hardship /-/--/-----/--//
Success stunted by social prejudice and mass ignorance, -//--/--/--/--/
leaving only a social algorithm designed to mistreat /-/--/---/--/--/
The disregard for her person and the truth beneath, -/-/--/---/-/
can only leave a hole where progress could've been -/-/-/-/-/--
But when she gets hungry she starves, /---/--/
and when she gets thirsty she withers ----/--/-
If she's cut her warm blood leaks out, --/-////
and her tears produce clear emotion --/-//-/-
For those who have fallen victim to a system ----/-/---/-
who treat the helpless as if they had a choice -/-/------/
Those who suffer social closure and exclusion,--/-/-/---/-
life is but a vicious cycle with no release /-/-/-/----/
Hmmm? What do you see? What I see is meter that is all over the place. Probably more "iambs" than I marked, giving the piece a decidedly prose-like structure.
The line breaks and uneven stanza lengths need to be addressed: you're either writing in quatrains or not.
More later...
... Mark