07-06-2015, 07:37 AM
Hello again jams, and welcome! I understand that being new to poetry and posting your work can be scary. But hey, poetry needs to be shared.
I already commented on the original and add a few suggestions:
Try to "be" your 'woman with the long brown hair'. Writing from her point of view would be more powerful. Writing from the 3rd person lends itself to climbing on a soapbox.
Write what you know. If you cannot relate to "the woman.." it will show. Research- offer real examples (the newspapers are full of them). You've offered a lot of opinions, but few hard facts. Hard facts are convincing, unfounded opinions are not. I want to be convinced.
This forum offers a chance for interaction, whereas the reality is that a poem must say what it going to say in one shot. No opportunities to explain later. If I missed something, then what did I miss? Please, explain within the context of the poem. If there are double meanings, I'll probably get them if they're expressed clearly. You say I missed the point, and I say, "it ain't my fault."
That said, please be careful, because explaining can turn into "telling". I want you to show me. Show with concrete images (especially about the woman, and/or her immediate surroundings). Give her a drug habit. Three kids. Show me her illness.
Read this aloud, to yourself, or someone else. Does it sound preachy? (I thought so.) Listen to the response from your test listener, and hopefully you'll get an honest reaction. ("WOW, pretty cool" is not very useful.)
Try completely re-doing S.2, S.3, and S.4 as those stanzas are very preachy. In reality I have yet to hear a religious fanatic shout, "it's a sin". I'm not even sure what a religious fanatic really is. Once again, I'm not convinced.
Please do not take offense, as none is intended. Please don't go "on the defense", as your effort is worth investigating further, and fully. A poem of a few stanzas can only contain so many words: make them all count.
Perhaps I'll revisit and offer a line-by-line take on this one, but right now I need to get ready for the USA v JAPAN, women's world cup final... nothing like kick ball played so well...
more later...
... Mark
I already commented on the original and add a few suggestions:
Try to "be" your 'woman with the long brown hair'. Writing from her point of view would be more powerful. Writing from the 3rd person lends itself to climbing on a soapbox.
Write what you know. If you cannot relate to "the woman.." it will show. Research- offer real examples (the newspapers are full of them). You've offered a lot of opinions, but few hard facts. Hard facts are convincing, unfounded opinions are not. I want to be convinced.
This forum offers a chance for interaction, whereas the reality is that a poem must say what it going to say in one shot. No opportunities to explain later. If I missed something, then what did I miss? Please, explain within the context of the poem. If there are double meanings, I'll probably get them if they're expressed clearly. You say I missed the point, and I say, "it ain't my fault."
That said, please be careful, because explaining can turn into "telling". I want you to show me. Show with concrete images (especially about the woman, and/or her immediate surroundings). Give her a drug habit. Three kids. Show me her illness.
Read this aloud, to yourself, or someone else. Does it sound preachy? (I thought so.) Listen to the response from your test listener, and hopefully you'll get an honest reaction. ("WOW, pretty cool" is not very useful.)
Try completely re-doing S.2, S.3, and S.4 as those stanzas are very preachy. In reality I have yet to hear a religious fanatic shout, "it's a sin". I'm not even sure what a religious fanatic really is. Once again, I'm not convinced.
Please do not take offense, as none is intended. Please don't go "on the defense", as your effort is worth investigating further, and fully. A poem of a few stanzas can only contain so many words: make them all count.
Perhaps I'll revisit and offer a line-by-line take on this one, but right now I need to get ready for the USA v JAPAN, women's world cup final... nothing like kick ball played so well...
more later...
... Mark