Familiarity
#5
(06-18-2015, 11:21 AM)vtsai01 Wrote:  I've read in other critiques to not use similes or metaphors, especially cliche ones... So hopefully I did it well enough to not make it come so mundane? What do you think? Also, is it too vague because of all the similes and metaphors or does it fit just right? 

It just fizzled like a carbonated drink, I would recommend "fizzed" instead of fizzled
That sat out for too long, stirred or not. 
As the changes come with states of matter,
Metamorphosis took a solid into liquid. Since the milk is curdling, it might make sense to switch to "liquid into solid"
It is a glass of milk in a low operated fridge. 
It spoiled but not yet curdled - Thank God! The "Thank God!" seems sort of out of place? Why is it there?
My perspective is now setting in the familiarity,
As I walk and think about this friendly feeling. 
I'm flying solo, exploring my world. 
It can be quite interesting. 
But just like any ride, you sleep. 
Oh wells, no need to cry over spilled milk. 
Because this is my world, In this line and the line before it, both are really solid statements! You don't need "Because/Oh wells"
And I'll choose what to drink,
And most importantly, where to put it. 
Really lovely poem, with some great imagery!
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Messages In This Thread
Familiarity - by vtsai01 - 06-18-2015, 11:21 AM
RE: Familiarity - by Wjames - 06-18-2015, 11:43 AM
RE: Familiarity - by billy - 06-18-2015, 06:21 PM
RE: Familiarity - by clairethaoduong - 07-05-2015, 07:44 AM
RE: Familiarity - by alsayn - 07-05-2015, 06:42 PM



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