Red lace

[alsayn]

I know there's a lot of work to be done, but I hope it's improving, I'm having trouble with how to wrap up an ending...

A tiara shatters on concrete,
Finally I see past Mercedes mask.
Fine merlot, expensive cologne drown me
I saw the red lipstick on white collar too late.
I gave you my pearls, you broke the string
all I had left in this world
Red lace peeks from under your bed,
Multiple handprints splatter your door.



This is me trying to stay away from the abstract images..
Crystal sky shatters above me,
This is a good line, but doesn't seem to be connected to the rest. Perhaps crystal glasses or champagne flutes shatter? It fits the imagery you were going for as well as fitting the theme and decadence of your poem.

I finally see past your gentleman's mask.
Fine wine, and expensive cologne drown me,
The rhyming "fine wine" gets a bit sing-songy as Mark said, the specific "merlot" in the first version worked really well!

Thank god I saw the monster at last.
I didn't see the tissues stained red,
I'm not sure why you switched from red lipstick on collars to red tissues?

Until it was too late,
I gave you all, you gave me none,
That was my mistake
how did I miss the lacy thong on the floor,
The dirty handprints adorning the door.
It gets a bit sing-songy again here, and "adorning" seems sort of clunky

They warned me of you, I was such a fool,
This is the price I pay.
This poem built up some really strong imagery and the ending seems really abrupt

I'm much more a fan of the second version (also, hello!), and it has some really, really great parts. It seems like there's a really good underlying core topic but the imagery gets a bit scrambled. Both version have their merits, too, so I think a nice blend of both would make for a great poem!