07-04-2015, 09:04 AM
OK jams- let's have a look...
That woman with the long brown hair she wore a mask,
she painted her body in ink and slept during the day, you start off with good images
Waking at night black panther stalking the street lights then offer this confusing sentence
I heard she dabbled in the dark arts, sinless sinner,
as sinful as Adam and as lost and forgotten as Eve accuracy please- Eve is hardly forgotten, and the whole biblical reference just comes outta nowhere... and then goes nowhere
Misunderstood at night under siege she makes her way why does this line deserve to stand alone? The sentence construction is lacking, as well, rendering a nonsensical line
When she gets hungry she starves, OK, but everybody does. How about "steals"?
and when she gets thirsty she shrivels getting to be a bit of a laundry list, here
When she's cut she bleeds with humanity,Too abstract to have meaning
and her tears produce clear honesty seems like honesty is only being used to rhyme with humanity
When we leave the house we wear masks, No we don't. I'm not convinced.
and when we get home they begin to crack Crack into what? The intended drama fall flat
Well jams, I'm just not sure what you're going for. You seem to have an idea, but it's just not being conveyed to me. You started off with some interesting images like "wore a mask" and "painted in ink" but let it go after that.
In the middle of the story, I'm lost, because the story isn't there. She's walking at night getting hungry and thirsty, and sinning in ways I never learn anything about, other than Adam is somehow invoked. She's cut and then cries, but I have no idea what happened. ??
In the end we learn that "we" wear masks that crack when "we" get back home. I don't know that this "we" includes me, but what really matters is the "she" -- that woman with the long brown hair. I want to know about her mask is all about.
Continue with the images you started out with, and paint this picture. Otherwise, it stops for me before she ever leaves the house.
There's work to be done, but you knew that,
... Mark
That woman with the long brown hair she wore a mask,
she painted her body in ink and slept during the day, you start off with good images
Waking at night black panther stalking the street lights then offer this confusing sentence
I heard she dabbled in the dark arts, sinless sinner,
as sinful as Adam and as lost and forgotten as Eve accuracy please- Eve is hardly forgotten, and the whole biblical reference just comes outta nowhere... and then goes nowhere
Misunderstood at night under siege she makes her way why does this line deserve to stand alone? The sentence construction is lacking, as well, rendering a nonsensical line
When she gets hungry she starves, OK, but everybody does. How about "steals"?
and when she gets thirsty she shrivels getting to be a bit of a laundry list, here
When she's cut she bleeds with humanity,Too abstract to have meaning
and her tears produce clear honesty seems like honesty is only being used to rhyme with humanity
When we leave the house we wear masks, No we don't. I'm not convinced.
and when we get home they begin to crack Crack into what? The intended drama fall flat
Well jams, I'm just not sure what you're going for. You seem to have an idea, but it's just not being conveyed to me. You started off with some interesting images like "wore a mask" and "painted in ink" but let it go after that.
In the middle of the story, I'm lost, because the story isn't there. She's walking at night getting hungry and thirsty, and sinning in ways I never learn anything about, other than Adam is somehow invoked. She's cut and then cries, but I have no idea what happened. ??
In the end we learn that "we" wear masks that crack when "we" get back home. I don't know that this "we" includes me, but what really matters is the "she" -- that woman with the long brown hair. I want to know about her mask is all about.
Continue with the images you started out with, and paint this picture. Otherwise, it stops for me before she ever leaves the house.
There's work to be done, but you knew that,
... Mark