07-01-2015, 05:17 AM
Hello queen c-
The problem I have with this piece, is that I know its outcome almost before it gets started. (Both versions)
Crystal sky shatters above me, : cool image but without much connection to what follows
I finally see past your gentleman's mask. : as soon as you 'see past', I see the bad outcome ahead
Fine wine, and expensive cologne drown me, : possibly the best line in the poem
Thank god I saw the monster at last. : 'monster' just seems like the wrong word
I didn't see the tissues stained red, : this is adding tension (good)
Until it was too late, : the tension never builds
I gave you all, you gave me none, : seems too general
That was my mistake :this line adds nothing
how did I miss the lacy thong on the floor, :needs a '?'
The dirty handprints adorning the door. : 'adorning' is the wrong verb (think about it)
They warned me of you, I was such a fool, :maybe the warning should come earlier
This is the price I pay.
eems like you just gave up on this poem with this line
The subject is so familiar that it's difficult to express it in a new way. Leaving god out of it there are about a dozen nouns: sky, mask, cologne, monster, tissues, thong, handprints, door, price. How can you build a better story around them?
... Mark
The problem I have with this piece, is that I know its outcome almost before it gets started. (Both versions)
Crystal sky shatters above me, : cool image but without much connection to what follows
I finally see past your gentleman's mask. : as soon as you 'see past', I see the bad outcome ahead
Fine wine, and expensive cologne drown me, : possibly the best line in the poem
Thank god I saw the monster at last. : 'monster' just seems like the wrong word
I didn't see the tissues stained red, : this is adding tension (good)
Until it was too late, : the tension never builds
I gave you all, you gave me none, : seems too general
That was my mistake :this line adds nothing
how did I miss the lacy thong on the floor, :needs a '?'
The dirty handprints adorning the door. : 'adorning' is the wrong verb (think about it)
They warned me of you, I was such a fool, :maybe the warning should come earlier
This is the price I pay.
eems like you just gave up on this poem with this lineThe subject is so familiar that it's difficult to express it in a new way. Leaving god out of it there are about a dozen nouns: sky, mask, cologne, monster, tissues, thong, handprints, door, price. How can you build a better story around them?
... Mark