06-26-2015, 08:15 AM
Hello queen c--
Accuracy is very important as you tighten this one down. If a bird is alighting, the " feathers forgotten" just do not work, as alight means "descend from the air and settle."
"Red and "soft" don't add anything to the poem, they way they're used: arbitrary descriptors.
Upon reading the original, I can see what you're working toward, but I would not have guessed without knowing what happened in that original.
I know it's hard to separate yourself from previous versions, but I'm sure you can as evidenced by how far you've brought this poem. It's a dramatic improvement.
Good luck. I expect the next version to be near perfect. (No pressure).
.... Mark
Back so soon? you ask....
I like this poem enough that I want to add another comment or two:
When you use "apex", I picture a pyramid... an upside down tornado, if you will. Within the description of how a tornado forms you may find helpful words, such as funnel, shear, etc...
Less useful, but, if you could work contrasting anapests and trochees you might be able to create the wind shear effects of a tornado. Anapests go " ba-da-bing, ba-da bump" --/ --/ and trochs go exactly opposite: "bonk-a-dee, bop-a-dee" /-- /-- ...
You may be on to a masterpiece. Or at least a personal best! Good luck & no pressure.
...Mark
Accuracy is very important as you tighten this one down. If a bird is alighting, the " feathers forgotten" just do not work, as alight means "descend from the air and settle."
"Red and "soft" don't add anything to the poem, they way they're used: arbitrary descriptors.
Upon reading the original, I can see what you're working toward, but I would not have guessed without knowing what happened in that original.
I know it's hard to separate yourself from previous versions, but I'm sure you can as evidenced by how far you've brought this poem. It's a dramatic improvement.
Good luck. I expect the next version to be near perfect. (No pressure).
.... Mark
Back so soon? you ask....
I like this poem enough that I want to add another comment or two:
When you use "apex", I picture a pyramid... an upside down tornado, if you will. Within the description of how a tornado forms you may find helpful words, such as funnel, shear, etc...
Less useful, but, if you could work contrasting anapests and trochees you might be able to create the wind shear effects of a tornado. Anapests go " ba-da-bing, ba-da bump" --/ --/ and trochs go exactly opposite: "bonk-a-dee, bop-a-dee" /-- /-- ...
You may be on to a masterpiece. Or at least a personal best! Good luck & no pressure.
...Mark