Aviary Awakening

[just mercedes]

a red robin alights,
soft feathers forgotten
on drying earth   I'm stuck with 'alights'; if the robin is just landing, how did the feathers get there? Each noun here has an adjective, which feels a little heavy.

a breeze stirs, I really like the link between the robin's wings and a tornado - another example of the Butterfly effect
a tornado threatening
to reach apex This really started  me thinking - can a tornado have an apex?


I also like the movement in your poem - from the close-up focus on a bird, down to feathers on the ground, then out to the sky, infinity. The innocent bird of the first strophe is threatened by the power of the second.

This poem is a great revision - you've moved away from abstract terms, you've shown the connection and tension between a bird and the wind that could kill it, and suggest that the bird has itself created this tornado that threatens it. I enjoyed reading the poem, the thoughts it called forth in me, and I'm especially impressed by your response to critiques.
Original

A Redbird departs earth,
Stirring a longing breeze on which
innocent feathers drift;
Like bees to a succulent orchid.
The hummingbird migrates
Leaving in its wake, a Phoenix
born from the ashes of naivety.