Aviary Awakening

[Todd]

Hi Kaela,

Let me add to the feedback you've received:

In any poem, but especially in short poems, make every word count. Try not to use words that move things forward but aren't interesting.

Your first line has departs in it. Think of the many ways something can depart. This is really vague. It reads more like a stage direction. Think about how to make that depart something more visual.

Same issue with the hummingbird migrates. I'm not saying you can't ever use words like that, but if they read flat you should consider substitutes.

Your bees line is your best use of simile in the poem. It should help set the example for you on the way to handle figurative language. Reject constructions like "longing breeze" or "innocent feathers" or "ashes of naivety" Why are these things this way? They do not possess these qualities because the writer wants them to. You have to ask yourself the question: If I want these feathers to represent a sense of innocence how do I make the image show that without just tagging them as innocent. This is how you get your imagery. It is more important also to let the image you choose do most of the talking. Try not to explain in the poem what the image is there for. When you do the work it will convey.

I hope some of that helps. You've shown a great enthusiasm and attitude toward putting in the work. You will get there.

Best,

Todd

A Redbird departs earth,
Stirring a longing breeze on which
innocent feathers drift;
Like bees to a succulent orchid.

The hummingbird migrates
Leaving in its wake, a Phoenix
born from the ashes of naivety.