06-18-2015, 10:42 PM
Hey 71,
This is almost like a bittersweet (beautiful and tragic) senryu,
but with line breaks. I almost questioned them until I asked myself if
‘years/wings/cross’ carry enough weight to stand by themselves. My answer:
Yes, they do. I can see the death of a loved one in those three words.
My only other comment is that, if you are striving for brevity,
you could dispense with ‘these,’ ‘and’ (substitute a comma)
and ‘for her.’ Not much advice (it's that good).
Thanks for sharing./Chris
This is almost like a bittersweet (beautiful and tragic) senryu,
but with line breaks. I almost questioned them until I asked myself if
‘years/wings/cross’ carry enough weight to stand by themselves. My answer:
Yes, they do. I can see the death of a loved one in those three words.
My only other comment is that, if you are striving for brevity,
you could dispense with ‘these,’ ‘and’ (substitute a comma)
and ‘for her.’ Not much advice (it's that good).
Thanks for sharing./Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris

