06-18-2015, 06:29 PM
all i can do is affirm milos posts for similar reasons. he said it better than i could have.
i'd add;
try it with some meter. and less verbiage.
A Redbird departs earth,
Stirring a longing breeze on which
innocent feathers drift;
to
A Redbird departs earth,
Stirring a longing breeze
innocent feathers drift;
a suggestion for the succulent line would be something along the lines of;
Like bees to a hovering in an orchid
i'd add;
try it with some meter. and less verbiage.
A Redbird departs earth,
Stirring a longing breeze on which
innocent feathers drift;
to
A Redbird departs earth,
Stirring a longing breeze
innocent feathers drift;
a suggestion for the succulent line would be something along the lines of;
Like bees to a hovering in an orchid