Familiarity
#2
(06-18-2015, 11:21 AM)vtsai01 Wrote:  I've read in other critiques to not use similes or metaphors, especially cliche ones... So hopefully I did it well enough to not make it come so mundane? What do you think? Also, is it too vague because of all the similes and metaphors or does it fit just right? 

That's silly advice. Of course try and stay away from over-used/cliche simile's/metaphors, but definitely don't avoid them all together. The poetic devices should be clear and make sense however.

It just fizzled like a carbonated drink,
That sat out for too long, stirred or not. What just fizzled like a carbonated drink (what is "it")? This is what I mean by clear ^. I don't think you need the first comma at the end of line 1.
As the changes come with states of matter,
Metamorphosis took a solid into liquid.
It is a glass of milk in a low operated fridge. This should have been known before/when you made the comparison to a carbonated drink.
It spoiled but not yet curdled - Thank God! 
My perspective is now setting in the familiarity,
As I walk and think about this friendly feeling. What friendly feeling? Why are you feeling it, and how does it actually feel (i.e use the five senses: warm, etc)?
I'm flying solo, exploring my world. 
It can be quite interesting. This isn't a sentence, you should consider combining it with the previous one.
But just like any ride, you sleep. 
Oh wells, no need to cry over spilled milk. cliche
Because this is my world,
And I'll choose what to drink,
And most importantly, where to put it. 
Just some of my thoughts as I read your poem, hopefully it's not too harsh for novice. I don't really get the object of the poem - are you rebelling against refrigerating milk out of familiarity?
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Messages In This Thread
Familiarity - by vtsai01 - 06-18-2015, 11:21 AM
RE: Familiarity - by Wjames - 06-18-2015, 11:43 AM
RE: Familiarity - by billy - 06-18-2015, 06:21 PM
RE: Familiarity - by clairethaoduong - 07-05-2015, 07:44 AM
RE: Familiarity - by alsayn - 07-05-2015, 06:42 PM



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