06-13-2015, 04:21 PM
I am not personally a fan of strict meter and rhyme, but I will address the imagery you've expressed here.
I typically critique line-by-line or every couple lines, so I'll dive right in.
My weapon, a lie, insidious creeping.
The lie is the weapon - very nice idea. The word insidious could be a bit much - when I hear that word I think of the movie because it's on tv so much right now. The idea of creeping is effective, because lies can creep in, or creep out of control without the speaker's knowledge - I can definitely see a lie creeping insidiously into someone's mind.
I attack, her soul, her being.
Here the first comma should be a colon or period, unless the speaker is the soul, the being. It is difficult to tell who the speaker is with this line.
Soon a doubt, a question raising,
What is truth, is she mistaking?
Fantasy holds such allure,
When her mind is so unsure.
This section is very abstract, and doesn't tell much about the speaker or the situation. The "she" is doubting, but what? Herself? if so, the reader needs a little more information - is she sweating? Are her eyes glossed over? I want to know more about who this person is, what about her is showing her uncertainty? What is the fantasy? What is it that brings her doubt?
She overlooks, her demons watch,
One step closer, she'll be lost.
Closer to what? The edge of what? Lost to whom? There is so much left to know that isn't offered, the reader wants to know about these characters: real, imagined, internal, external - all of them.
Balanced on that tempting line,
Another thought, she'll soon be mine
Who is the speaker? If Insanity is the speaker, it would spend more time taunting, not just waiting for her to fall to one side or the other - think of Insanity as a sadistic killer - it doesn't want the person to go easily, the sadist gets off on someone else's pain, taunting them to cause their own pain would be the perfect weapon.
No one hears her grievous plea,
As she sinks to insanity.
Who is she pleading to? Who is listening? Is anyone listening or even trying to offer help?
There is a great backstory here, and I want to know more about these characters.
I can feel a lot of emotion behind this piece, I think the speaker needs to really dig in, though, in order for the piece to make more sense to the reader - insanity is an abstract message, but there are many concrete images that can bring it to life. What does insanity look like? What kind of cereal does insanity eat for breakfast? Who does insanity call on the weekends? These are some questions to ask when trying to write from an abstract POV.
A good start here.
I typically critique line-by-line or every couple lines, so I'll dive right in.
My weapon, a lie, insidious creeping.
The lie is the weapon - very nice idea. The word insidious could be a bit much - when I hear that word I think of the movie because it's on tv so much right now. The idea of creeping is effective, because lies can creep in, or creep out of control without the speaker's knowledge - I can definitely see a lie creeping insidiously into someone's mind.
I attack, her soul, her being.
Here the first comma should be a colon or period, unless the speaker is the soul, the being. It is difficult to tell who the speaker is with this line.
Soon a doubt, a question raising,
What is truth, is she mistaking?
Fantasy holds such allure,
When her mind is so unsure.
This section is very abstract, and doesn't tell much about the speaker or the situation. The "she" is doubting, but what? Herself? if so, the reader needs a little more information - is she sweating? Are her eyes glossed over? I want to know more about who this person is, what about her is showing her uncertainty? What is the fantasy? What is it that brings her doubt?
She overlooks, her demons watch,
One step closer, she'll be lost.
Closer to what? The edge of what? Lost to whom? There is so much left to know that isn't offered, the reader wants to know about these characters: real, imagined, internal, external - all of them.
Balanced on that tempting line,
Another thought, she'll soon be mine
Who is the speaker? If Insanity is the speaker, it would spend more time taunting, not just waiting for her to fall to one side or the other - think of Insanity as a sadistic killer - it doesn't want the person to go easily, the sadist gets off on someone else's pain, taunting them to cause their own pain would be the perfect weapon.
No one hears her grievous plea,
As she sinks to insanity.
Who is she pleading to? Who is listening? Is anyone listening or even trying to offer help?
There is a great backstory here, and I want to know more about these characters.
I can feel a lot of emotion behind this piece, I think the speaker needs to really dig in, though, in order for the piece to make more sense to the reader - insanity is an abstract message, but there are many concrete images that can bring it to life. What does insanity look like? What kind of cereal does insanity eat for breakfast? Who does insanity call on the weekends? These are some questions to ask when trying to write from an abstract POV.
A good start here.
~~~
DivineMsEmm / aka Emily Vieweg
Blog
Poetry is a matter of life, not just a matter of language. ~~ Lucille Clifton
DivineMsEmm / aka Emily Vieweg
Blog
Poetry is a matter of life, not just a matter of language. ~~ Lucille Clifton