Alzheimer's

[Merrikay]

I like the detached point of view--it's like you're a voyeur in someone else's painful world. Perhaps you're witnessing this all-too-common scene play out in public, or you've heard someone described too many times by too many different people.

If you want to work from that perspective and cultivate an omniscient or commentary sort positions I think it could work. Maybe with a line to conclude that makes some sort of broader implications about the condition?

In addition to the critiques about the pastoral metaphors, I'd say that switching up metaphors back to back can make them lose their punch. Maybe choose one, strong metaphor, or delve into an extended metaphor?

The lines that elicited me the most emotional reaction were "a blink, a cry, he's so alone" and "love surrounds, he's unaware." These lines were the most successful (to me) at creating an emotional connection with the man and his condition, so even if you change the lines, I hope you'll keep the messaging about loneliness/isolation.

That's a brilliant idea, to add something that makes a broader implication of Alzheimer's, I had been trying to figure out how to make it more personal, but now I realize I can also go the other way.. I hadn't noticed how my metaphors weakened each other, but after your pointing it out, I do see it. I'm going to rewrite this one, hopefully it'll show some improvement. Thanks for your kind critique.

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  Nice poem Queen,
  I can sense the emptiness in this mans mind. However it does need a bit more details, like "empty eyes that see into nothing" and then a quick moment of a past thought, disappearing as quickly as it came.
 An overall good visual piece, yet lacks deeper "emotions" from the patient, who sometimes remembers what love once was, and then somehow becomes quickly forgotten.  
 I really enjoyed this poem. Thanks for sharing.




Forestdawn (Goddess of the Green Grove)

Thank you! Yea, I felt it was lacking actual poetic-ness, I suppose that's what more detail would help? Thank you for the kind words, makes me feel there is hope for me yet!